I can handle myself in front of an audience. I can deal with spiders. I try not to think about death, and it usually works. I am not afraid of the most talked about phobias. However, that does not mean I do not fear.

See, I have always had this anxiety in me. Being an open person, trying to draw in as many friends as I can, seems to be a trigger for it. I love being around these people - getting to know them, getting close with them, making them a part of my life. When I am with them, my mind is at ease, for when I am included, I have nothing to overthink or be scared of. They're my friends. Simple. Easy.

But it's when they go away, when they accidentally forget to invite me, or just seem to move on, it takes over. This anxiety starts in my chest, works its way up to my throat and it swells. I can't breathe! I can't talk! I can only... overthink.

What did I do? Did I say something weird? Do they not like me anymore? Do they like this person better? Do they want to hang out with me? Did they forget me...

Athazagoraphobia - the fear of being forgotten or ignored. Yep, funny word I know. Surprisingly, I have known that word since I was fourteen. See, I had a thing for self diagnosing, and I thought I was depressed or bipolar. After many scary google searches, I came to a social phobia page, and I did not feel an ounce of dread at any definition until I happened upon my fear of abandonment. It made sense. However, in high school, I had my long term group of friends I could rely on, and I didn't have to worry about them pushing me to the side. Even in the beginning of college, I found myself comfortable with a group of friends, and if I did get any anxiety, I wrote it down in a journal. It was a drain for me, to tell me I was stupid for thinking my friends wanted nothing to do with me.

I trusted people. I trusted people a little too much. I became too invincible.

So when I was dealt with my roommates, whom I was sure wanted to live with me sophomore year, deciding to live with other people, that stress hit me and hit me hard. A couple anxiety attacks later, and I realized that my phobia hadn't faded...it had come true. However, I didn't talk about my problems anymore. I was just scrambling to keep friends...and I started to hover. I started to mess up. I overthought. I slipped up.

And I was sure my friends would leave me behind. That was my reality. Athazagoraphobia was my reality.

Until my friends proved me wrong. Despite me not being perfect and not fully telling them about my fear, they stayed by my side, they dealt with the insecurities, and they assured me that they weren't going anywhere. They would try. That was all I asked for. I could not keep trying to be people's friends if it meant being forgotten. What I could do was trust that they would try back, and if they did not, I would have to move on.

I am not meant to be remembered by everyone. Sometimes, people make plans and casually forget the invite. Sometimes, I just can't go and I should not take it personal. What I need to do is try and include myself when I can, and I cannot just expect to be included. I cannot force myself either. I want people to know the real me, and choose - for themselves - if they want to keep me with them. I have to decide if I want them in my life too.

I am not alone, despite feeling I am sometimes. I am surrounded by love. I am surrounded by life, and it isn't perfect. It makes some stupid fears come out of nowhere. However, it makes you stronger. It lets us move on with the friends we need, not the ones we just want.