Every day is a struggle for someone with depression. I have suffered from this illness for roughly three years now. There are good days and bad days, and I never really know what each day will be. I realize that this can be hard for those I am close to. When I have good days, they're amazing. I can see the sunrise, every color in every flower I pass and every star in the sky at night. But on the bad days, I can hardly function. The whole day is a hopeless mess of me wishing I could do something productive, but I just can't.
I just want you to understand just a little bit of how I feel everyday. The absolute last thing I want is for us to fall apart because of the insanity that goes on inside my head. I have no control over it. I love you, and I need you to understand that my depression is not situational. I am very content with the way things have been going in my life and even more so content with you. Just because I am depressed does not mean I am unhappy with you. Some days it seems like you are the only thing that can make me smile and I try so hard to be strong for you. You are a huge motivating force behind my feeling better but there will always be days when I just can't pull myself together.
Most days are neither good nor bad. A typical day of depression would start with me struggling to get out of bed. Sometimes just the thought of having to work, having to move, or having to choose my outfit can send me into tears. A few times I have even woken up crying. But once I finally gather enough strength to actually get out of bed, I spend most of the energy I do have convincing myself to take a well-needed shower. Then there's a whole battle of getting out of the shower, doing my hair, my makeup and getting dressed. It's almost crazy to me that people don't get stressed out about every one of these little tasks. By the time I finally leave the house, I'm already exhausted. I continue my day as if I am watching someone else's sad life, but I feel nothing.
I wish this was a simple problem that could just be fixed with "positive thinking" or "exercise." But it's not, and I will more than likely have depression for the unseeable future. I know all you want to do is help, but what I need from you is support. When I'm breaking down, I just need you to hold me and tell me, "It's okay." I don't want you to try to "fix" or "repair" me. I'm not broken.
This is a problem I have to figure out for myself. I promise I will try — try as hard as I can to get out of bed, to do yoga, to be better. You make me want to be a better me. I just need you to know that I am trying. There will always be days when I just can't pull myself together, but hopefully they will become less frequent. You help me be stronger, and I want to thank you for the effort you are putting into understanding such a huge part of my life. I know that together we can make this work. Thank you for staying by my side through all of this.
