Iknwothoyfeel! Istrggelto.

These are a few examples of times when I expected spell check to fix my mistakes and kept typing, but my typos became worse. What a metaphor for life.

I’ve been in countless unhealthy relationships that I wanted to work out. I’ve taken classes where I don’t put in the effort I should. I make too many excuses for people and lose self-respect in the process. I expect change without changing anything. It’s a problem.

I think I struggle with this because change is scary, because I’m a combination of busy and lazy, and because I want things to get better rather than feel like I’m giving up. But the thing is, I’m not necessarily giving up -- I’m being honest with myself and not settling for less than I deserve.

I say this with conviction, but believe me, it is a process. It is a staircase in which I am still learning how to crawl.

After those countless unhealthy relationships, traumatic experiences, my brain’s incessant invalidations, and my desperate hopes, I struggled to find myself worthy of good things. I assumed I was destined to fall into unsafe situations. I ached deeply for the “normal college experience.” I found myself to be too nice and too accommodating; I put other people before myself to a fault. It is possible to have too much of a good thing.

I let myself stay when I shouldn’t have stayed. I invalidated my experiences and feelings. I got lesser grades. I felt the consequences, and some part of me still didn’t care, didn’t think things could change, didn’t think I deserved better.

I think about this and feel sad. I think about how I tell everyone but myself that we are worthy simply as we are, simply for existing.

I remember the Sunday I sat on a bench outside the Undergraduate Library, when I realized I am worth more than last minute plans and feeling like someone’s second choice. I remember realizing that my problem is that I struggle with low levels of self-respect and self-worth. I remember realizing the heartbreak and trauma that brought me there. It’s sad, but it’s empowering. I’m not where I need to be, but I’m closer than I was.

Through my journey to self-worth and self-respect, I want to encourage you (and myself) to challenge ourselves to be the person whom our younger self needed. The past is not our present nor our future. We are not the pain we have felt, nor the names we have been called. It's okay to not give people the benefit of the doubt 100% of the time, and to know that "you can't pour from an empty cup." Ultimately, we must abide by the Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

We are worthy of self-respect and belonging and love and the best the world can offer. We have the power to make changes in our life, and we must; we are stronger than we know. If we don’t fix the problem where it’s at, it will only get worse. And as Rupi Kaur said, “I am not a hotel room; I am home.”

I know how you feel! I struggle too.