I don't know what it is, but lately you've been on my mind a lot. Maybe it's because the snow this past week has reminded me of that winter we spent together, two years ago, after my ex broke up with me. Or maybe it's because I'm still reminded of what you put me through in every new friendship I try to make. I just can't seem to place it.

I've been working hard over the past year to repair the damage you caused. Looking back, I think I was more hurt by the end of our friendship than I was by the end of my relationship-- and breaking up with my ex was one of the hardest things I've done. I don't know what it was about you-- the carefree exterior that helped me to enjoy life a little more, the way spending time with you made me feel like a teenager when I hadn't had the chance to really "act my age" since my dad left-- but I've been thinking a lot about the time we spent together recently. And I'll be completely honest, I miss it.

But I don't miss you.

It's taken me some time to truly come to that conclusion confidently. I know that I shouldn't miss you, because you shouldn't miss a person that treats you the way you treated me, but part of me for a long time believed that I did. It's been an internal struggle that I've been grappling with for a while now.

Shortly before writing this, I realized the difference. I miss the good times we had-- the concerts and the beach and the road trips and the way I felt young and irresponsible in the best way possible with you. But I don't miss you.

I don't miss you and all the trouble you came with. I don't miss the drama, the mind games, the "walking on eggshells" feeling I had every time I talked to you. I don't miss the obsession you had with boys-- the obsession that I then adopted to "fit in" with you. I don't miss going out to eat every single night, and I don't miss wasting money on clothes that don't fit me anymore (thanks to all those nights we went out to eat).

I don't miss the way you would subtweet me all the time; I don't miss the paranoia that came with our friendship. I don't miss the comparisons you made between me and your old friends-- especially since it's clear to me now that you cycle through friends like old fashion statements. I don't miss the jealously, and the constant need to demean myself to keep us on the same level-- or even to put you higher.

I don't miss any of it. I don't miss being your friend. I don't miss you.

I know that if you read this-- if one of our mutual friends shares it with you, or if you happen upon it yourself-- you'll have something to say about it. I'd like to believe that's not true-- that you've grown up a little bit in the past year or so since we've talked-- but I'm just not sure. I'm anticipating some sort of backlash-- which is why, up until this point, I've never shared any writing about you.

Writing about our friendship and how it turned sour has been extremely cathartic to me, but I've never shared anything about you up until now. But I feel like I've earned this right. I'm allowed to feel just as much as you are-- I'm allowed to sit here and tell you just how hurt I was when you dragged me along on the emotional roller coaster that was the last few months of our friendship. I'm allowed to share the feelings I've been bottling up for months out of fear of a response from you. I don't want to be your victim anymore. I don't want to hold these negative feelings for you anymore. I want to let it go.

I don't know where you are in your life right now, but I hope you're doing well. I hope you find a nice boy that treats you well one day, and that you stop wasting so much time and energy on boys that don't care about you. I hope you finally figure out what you want to do with your life, and that you kill it in your field. I hope you live half as happy a life as I'm going to live. There was a time when I thought we would grow up together; I imagined you as my maid of honor and our kids as best friends. But I think it's better this way. I think we work better without each other.

Good luck to you in whatever it is you decide to pursue, and thanks for the memories.