1. Old people sort of get a free pass

Help them out, offer to let them go ahead of you. If they look confused they probably are. Helping them speed along will help out everyone. And if there is a train in the airport you better be giving them your seat. You get a chance to pole dance, everyone wins.

2. TAKE YOUR LAPTOP OUT OF YOUR BAG!

TSA says this maybe 17 times. The only people who are allowed to screw this up are the old people. Sixty and below, this should never be you. If you keep your laptop inside your bag and I see you pulled over at the end of security giving the TSA person puppy dog eyes I will feel no sympathy: you know what you did.

3. We need to establish a steady pace

Old people excluded. But for the rest of us youngins without hip replacements, let's reform this. Currently in airports, they're only two levels of movement: people running like they just mugged someone and then people going as slowly as a bride walking down the aisle. Then, the muggers crash into the brides and it's a whole thing. I'm thinking a universal suburban moms powerwalk pace from any good 80s movie intro. I know that 3-year-olds have little legs but if a 3-year-old is partaking in air travel they already lead a privileged life, make them work for it.

4. Coffee Efficiency

Coffee stations in the security line and airport. Half the time we wait at food places in airports because we need coffee. Why should I have to wait behind the guy buying donuts for four kids when I just want one cup of coffee? Universal swipe card for basic coffee stations. These are the political issues we really need to focus on.

5. Boarding the aircraft

I want to know why people sitting in row 19 check every row to see if it's them. Like if you're reading the rows and it says four you're NOT next. Lots needs to change about this but know your row and move like you're excited to be on the plane. People move like they're a third grader being sent to boarding school and contemplating how they'll make friends. This plane is going to freaking Florida! Move it! (The coffee stations would help the energy just saying).

6. Stop waking up the people next to you.

One time I was asleep and the person next to me woke me up to see if I wanted a snack. While this is a nice idea, it was a two-hour flight, bro. Why do we even do the drink and snack thing? New idea: Five-hour minimum for snacks and drinks. No one is going to die from starvation or dehydration in less than that time period.

7. In-flight entertainment

When did it become socially acceptable to not use headphones? I was sandwiched on a plane today with the person in front of me blasting an action movie and a kid behind me watching whatever the 2019 equivalent of Teletubbies is. Most people feel so uncomfortable asking these self-entitled whackos to lower their volume or use headphones that they sit in misery on planes, trains, and automobiles. It's time for social justice. Why do I get given the look like I'm the old woman in town who votes against having a block party when I ask you to, IDK, not subject me to the tinny blaring of whatever Nickelodeon BS your kid is watching. I'd probably like what they were watching(if it was Disney) if I could see and hear it, but I can't. I didn't decide to have your baby. I sure as anything didn't decide to bring it on a plane. I should not feel guilty for nicely requesting you to parent your child.

And what I don't get is these parents weren't sitting in planes with iPads when they were kids. They look at you like, "Oh my god, if I turn this off there's nothing I can do."

You could talk to your kid. Or play cards with them. Or buy them a coloring book. In fact, I would sooner play with your kid than listen to the pinging of their iPad.

I turned around to the woman behind me and asked if she could give her child headphones or turn it down and she looked horrified and was like, "Ummm are they giving them out???" and I said, "No, they're not just going to give them for free, you would have had to prepare and buy them. I have ones with unicorns on if you'd like to borrow them!" That gets them every time. You've now implied to a stranger that you'd rather have their offsprings' earwax on your headphones than listen to their ish. She turned it off in a jiffy.

8.  Deplaning

Everyone did know that the plane was supposed to land, right? Like, that was the plan the whole time guys. We were going to the airport, go through security, and if all went according to plan we would get off the plane. This shouldn't be a revelation for you. We resume '80s power walker speed the second the fasten seatbelt sign is turned off.