There are days that I feel as though I am sinking in a pool of quicksand, and there is no escape. I am sinking, and if I make any movements, I sink deeper. We all have these days of defeat but do we ever take the time to discover the source of feeling this way?
Many of us who claim ourselves as followers of Jesus Christ know the order of priority: first God, second others and third…ourselves. A daily prayer I use from a sermon I heard earlier this year is to have peace with God, peace with others and peace with myself. Something interesting happens to me some days as I ask for this. I feel convicted that I am not genuinely at peace with myself. For some reason, probably my pride, I hold onto my burdens, which only encourages me to have inconsistency in all aspects of my life. In these moments, my justification of my sinful nature is, "I am already a horrible person, so why not keep doing the things that I know are making me fall away from pure joy?" There are times I destroy myself, which then destroys the relationships I have built in Christ and with others. This results in feeling guilty. I feel guilty because I know God loves me, and if God, the one who created all and sent His son to save us, sinners, loves me, why can’t I love myself too?
To answer simply, I can say these negative thoughts about myself are not from the Holy Spirit. Satan wants me to believe the lie that I am a piece of dirt that does not deserve joy so that I continue to sink deeper into darkness. There are days when I believe this lie. These are the days when I feel spent. As if I have paddled and paddled but don’t feel any closer to the shore. These are the days I am running on caffeine and four hours of sleep. These are also the days when I do not spend quiet time in the Word, prayer or worship. You see, through God’s living word Jesus, I know (or should know) I am loved. He brings me peace if I let Him, if I strive to really know Him.
The problem: Although I know I am loved by my Father in Heaven, my family, friends and others, I still sometimes struggle to find peace.
A friend was talking to me the other day about how sometimes the most optimistic and giving people are the most self-destructive people. They give all of their positive energy to others without leaving any for themselves. I can see that being the case at times for myself; most of my thoughts and efforts are in hopes that others will gain happiness. I constantly want to make sure everyone else is at peace, their problems are being addressed or that I am the positive, upbeat person they need at the time. However, without leaving some time for myself, I end up doing things for people out of bitterness and resentment. I become overly stressed, eat unhealthy and begin to compare myself to others. What’s the answer?
For me, the answer is sleep. Sleep is so important, and I forget that often. Also, making sure I have time in the morning to enjoy a few sips of coffee in silence. Writing music that helps surface feelings and thoughts that I value. Truly knowing and recognizing God’s love. Understanding that finding peace with myself will only build others up in Christ more. Because when we as Christians are joyful, we praise God for our joy. And pray others can see the light. We need to cast our burdens on Him so we can show others how genuinely free and loving we are as children of God. We shouldn’t continue to dig ourselves deeper in the quicksand when our answer is to ask Jesus to pull us up and help us love ourselves, flaws and all. Let us help build each other up every day so others see us as joyful followers of Christ.
More writing to come on how I find joy in a world I have experienced unexpected pain and sorrow. God bless all of you!
