I used to think my anxiety disorder was a flaw in my makeup as a human. The fact that I had anxiety didn't make me less it just happened to be one of the negative aspects of who I was and am. Though it took me a long time to realize why I was the way I was and then even longer to seek the help and support I needed, I always just accepted it was a part of who I was and something I would spend the rest of my life trying to hide.

Though as another year starts to come to an end (peace out 2016) and another birthday is about to roll around (two decades already?!) I can't help but become a bit reflective (I'm a writer, what can I say? I love a good reflection session). I think about how far I have come with dealing with my anxiety just in this year alone and I try to figure out how exactly am I going to grow with it next year? After a lot of mulling and thinking and general wonderment I think I am starting to figure out the key to dealing with an anxiety disorder.

Finding empowerment in it. Not negativity.

Okay, hear me out.

Anxiety is not something that goes away with a little meditation and medication (trust me, I've tried). Though there is no shame in getting the medicine you need and everyone could benefit from a little meditations every now and then-I'm talking to you, guy who stole my parking spot the other day, anxiety never goes away it simply gets quieted. If you have it at twenty years old, there is a good chance you will still have it at fifty, sixty, seventy years old and that thought has kept me up for hours alone. That thought has haunted me on my worst days and sat quietly in the back of my mind on the good ones. I worry that I will never be able to fully deal with things happening in my life (I guess that's kind of where the whole anxiety thing comes in). So all of this has prompted to me to ask myself, what am I going to do about the fact that this very relevant part of me is going to be around for the rest of my life?

I have to find the positivity in it.

I have to first, take care of myself physically and mentally. Then I have to take everything my anxiety does to me and find the good in it. I have to find the good in all the things I always thought were bad.

When I feel like I can't breathe before a presentation-I need to remind myself it's because I care so much about school. It's good to care about school and it is vital to the success of my education to care. If I didn't care, what would be the point?

When I feel like people are staring at me and judging me-I need to remind myself that if they are, it's only because I am totally rocking whatever I am wearing that day (or something like that...)

When I feel like everything is falling apart for no apparent reason-I need to remind myself that things only fall apart so something better can be rebuilt and if I spend the rest of my life falling apart and rebuilding then that means I have a life of growth to look forward to.

It's an everyday struggle. Two years ago I would have never said aloud that I had anxiety. I would have never sought help. I would have never admitted any of this to myself. Now that I have done that, I am in a place to take another step forward and stop thinking about the flaws I have. It's time to start thinking about the great attributes about myself that make me the person I am.

I have found empowerment in anxiety because it is apart of who I am.