Recently I sat down with my real close friend and basically ripped open the gates of every single emotion I held inside of me. We laughed, cried, screamed, reminisced, cried some more, but the best part of it all was that we had a really engaging conversation. In a whole, we covered how it feels to be emotionally scattered, how fear of being judged holds our tongue, and how being by ourselves can either be self hollowing or self approving.
It's frightening to admit that I sometimes have social anxiety. I've always been one to keep to myself and not really open the door to new people or conversations because of the panicking pit in my stomach that's always nagging at me. It really kicks in when I'm surrounded by a large group of people that I don't know too well. I used to hide behind my dad or a sister, but now I'm mainly on my own, and it makes me feel like that dream when I'm naked in front of a crowd. It's scary.
Now, over the years it's calmed down a bit, but there have been certain instances where all I wanted to do was crawl into a ball to get away from the stress of it. In the past year I've gained a little confidence in the area of public speaking, but I still got a lot of mountain to climb. The thing is, I don't know what to say, but I have so much in my mind. It doesn't make sense to me at all, but when I look at the grand scheme of things, that's just the way I was built. I'm supposed to break down when something goes wrong, or cry when I get too attached to a book, or simply let my eyes swell up with tears when I'm overjoyed. I'm also supposed to listen to everything. And I do.
There have been times where I've gotten shot down for my feelings, because they were "too" much or unnecessary. It hurts hearing that. A lot. It makes me question how I've felt in the past and how I'll react in the future. It makes me shut down and try to numb the excitement I get when I read a good book or I get attached to a new character. Because of these people who told me what I should and shouldn't feel I started observing my actions as well as others' around me. Everyone processes things differently. So what? I lack the mundane side of things. Others aren't as lucky as me.
I've tuned into my emotions completely. I took the words of the people who hurt me and validated my worth myself. It has left so much room for me to grow, and evaluating my past year I have outgrown my expectations. I turn to writing when I want to say something because that's where I'm most comfortable leaving my voice. But I now also get to turn to my friend who liberated me of my fear. That has made my soul grow in unimaginable ways.
"The thing you are most afraid to write, write that." -Nayyirah Waheed
"Pity those who don't feel anything at all " -Sarah J. Maas
