"THE END IS NIGHT!! THE END IS NIGH!!" This seems to be what everyone is saying nowadays whenever politics gets brought up. Whether you support Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, a third party candidate, or you're just waiting for the sweet release of election day it seems that everyone can agree that the apocalypse is coming and this presidential election has been the bringer of the end days.
Now though I may be a simple 18 year old and this may be my first time voting in the rodeo that is American Politics, i know when something is up. And this year something is way way up.
"But Jacob Sir," you may say -- and while i do appreciate the manners, sir is not necessary, a simple "Oh Captain, My Captain" will do -- "I don't smell any sulfur or see any headless horseman. How can you be sure that this is the apocalypse? We've survived dozens of so called apocalypses (Y2K, The Mayan apocalypse, and even the temporary discontinuation of Twinkies). There's nothing we can't get through!"
Wow, reader I am impressed by your modern day apocalyptic knowledge, you must be well versed. But while you are a mere novice in the apocalyptic arts, I am a master and i have seen the SIGNS.
Simple things you may have seen as just idiosyncrasies, I have seen the SIGNS in. Now give me a minute to finish this sacrificial ritual dedicated to the almighty Pooh Bear and I'll show you these SIGNS so that you too may prepare.
*Now if you will, imagine what in the blue blazes a sacrificial ritual dedicated to Pooh Bear will look like because I have no idea but wouldn't that be something to see!*
Okay now that i am finished here are a few signs to look out for the next time you see one of the *Cough* Horseman *Cough*, WHAT who said horseman?? I meant candidates, i swear....CARRYING ON!!
Firstly it is stated in several early drafts of the goofy movie script that i found in an ancient cave in Babylon that "He who shall inherit thy title of Antichrist shall warn thine public thusly by sniffing 666 times in front of thy entire world."
And i know this sounds crazy, i swear I'm not crazy, but if you look closely at all of the presidential debates so far you can see that Donald Trump has sniffed exactly 666 times. Now there's no need to look and count them all, you can just trust me. The other SIGN though states right after the part where Bigfoot shows up on Goofy and Max's camping trip that "She who wears only thine glorious armor known as the pant suit shall be the one to open the gates of Hades and let forth the Antichrist known as he who sniffs!"
THAT'S NO COINCIDENCE PEOPLE!! The end is nigh! Now build your arks, gather your animals, sacrifice your goats, and prepare!!