Heart racing. Chest tightening. Breaths are quickening every second. All appears still in the picture setting viewed through the eyes of any stranger who might take a peek through the window of this moment. Yet, all the while there's a battle raging beneath my skin that my mind is struggling to make sense of totally unbeknownst to those on the outside. To you, I'm just reserved, quiet, or closed off. But to me, I'm just trying not to drown.
Why am I so anxious? Good question. Truth be told, I'd like an answer too. But it's not that simple. There really is no answer. This is what Generalized Anxiety looks like. A mess of chaos amidst what should be peace. A whirlwind of thoughts racing to find connections and clarity, but no answers or solace seems to be available. Another sleepless night and an exhausting day. A body readily going into flight mode with a mind that has no inclining of why it is happening. Once again secluded from others because no one understands.
"Just calm down."
"Just breathe, you're fine."
"It's mind over matter, don't focus on it and it'll go away."
“The more you do it the better it gets.”
“There’s nothing to be anxious about.”
And on... and on... and on goes the so-called advice of those who don't live within the walls of this constricting cage.
Unfortunately, most who are not too familiar with this struggle often times belittle, ignore or excuse those who are forced to live each day facing an anxiety disorder — a staggering 18 percent of the population within the U.S. alone. That’s approximately 40 million people all with a story if their own.
An anxiety disorder is not just a mind annoyed by anxious thoughts, it is not merely living with fear, nor is it rational. Everything can be calm, collected, and seemingly peaceful on the outside only to suddenly shift into a mode of panic, confusion, irritability and suffocation on the inside. I could easily be having a conversation only for my chest to tighten and my heart begin to race. Sleep is not a friend. Words from others often worsen the war. I have no excuse to give. No explanation. No reason. Just anxiety. I've walked in and out of this world for as long as I can remember, often times lost, lonely and always misunderstood.
The triggers aren't always the same. The reactions or coping mechanisms aren't always the same. The truth is, Generalized Anxiety is characterized by unpredictability. You’re probably thinking this all seems so bleak, but hang with me. Even in this chaotic war, I have a hope that stirs within my soul for a brighter story to be told.
Anxiety is not the end of my story, rather it is merely a piece of a larger puzzle. Those who suffer from anxiety disorders are more than their disorder. They simply are unique people with unique stories, dreams, desires and aspirations who simply are wired differently, and who desire acceptance and understanding.
Please help raise awareness of this silent struggle many are forced to face alone. Educate yourself on what you can do, or not do, to help someone who suffers from a disorder or mental illness. It's easy to see someone drowning amidst tossing waves. It's not so easy to see those drowning while standing on dry ground.
