*Trigger warning*
I have depression. I was diagnosed when I was 12. Since then, it’s always been a constant battle of tug of war. But, I am constantly in the throws of the waves of depression.
Some days, I’m OK treading in the water. I can keep my head above the waves. Other days, it’s like this invisible force is trying to push me down further into the depths of wretchedness.
I can’t seem to figure it out. I have such a supportive group of friends. They’d do anything to help me, I know they would. But, if I let them know that I’ve been slowly drowning for a while and that I always seem to be drowning, they are going to get sick of trying to throw a lifeline to me.
I have to navigate these waves alone. They can only throw me a lifeline once in a while. If they get in the water, I’ll pull them down, too. If they throw me a lifeline, they can stay on land and be stable, they don’t risk the chance of me pulling them down. I don’t want them to drown with me. They deserve better than me. It’s not fair for me to ask them to even come close to stepping in the water. If I ask for a lifeline too often, their arm will become tired and weary.
While I am in the water, I try to throw lifelines to my friends who need it. It’s hard to reach them sometimes because the waves hitting me seem so insurmountable. I want to reach them, I want to get them to shore. Sometimes, I am able to push them to the shoreline, but for me, it seems so far, I’m always stuck in the water. I can sometimes feel the sand beneath my toes, but they cannot grasp onto to anything.
I have to do this myself. Once in a while I can get help, but I can’t depend on anyone.