I can say, without a doubt, that I am doing everything I can to make my dreams come true. I am enjoying school fully for the first time; I made a physical list of goals I want to achieve by the end of the semester that align with these dreams; I've applied to eight internships in the city I want to work in one day; and I am preparing songs for a future audition I dream of landing. So what can possibly be wrong with all of this?
That I may be spreading myself too thin.
Maybe it's because I'm a college student still trying to find her purpose in life, but I always find myself tugging back and forth between different passions. I've reconsidered my major, made my talents my minor and had plenty of breakdowns along the way to prove all of this. But even at this point in my life, when I feel most positive that I'm doing everything I should and I feel totally happy doing it all, I still have my doubts about whether all of this may be worth it.
Even as I write that last sentence, I find myself feeling disappointed in myself for admitting that I have my doubts sometimes— doubts that I may be putting all of my energy into dreams that aren't made for me.
If I've had a deep talk with you before, or if you've known me for a long time, you know that my dreams are my everything. Not a day goes by where I don't think of myself performing on a stage or in front of a camera, or even working behind the scenes in some form of entertainment. It's probably getting pretty annoying on their end from just hearing me constantly talk about my performing and latest study abroad dreams simply because I keep talking and not doing.
And that's the thing. I don't know if I'm doing enough in each sector of my dreams to ensure that I am forging the path for actually achieving them. Yes, I'm studying the right subjects and keeping those dreams in mind with my extracurriculars, but I have always been that crazy kind of student who never feels she is actually doing enough to better herself in her career. This doesn't really apply for my communication goals, but I am not performing nearly as much as I should for a girl who wants to become super successful on the stage.
There never seems to be enough time in the day, or even the four years I'm in college, to do everything I want to do. I keep saying my degree is "my back-up plan," but what if my performing dreams have been taking the backseat all along? I find myself being more petrified of not even trying to achieve my dreams than having the constantly positive attitude about it that I've always had. My brain has been my worst enemy lately, even if I have been working my ass off.
I'm probably venting way more than preaching at this point, but I'm writing this to show every unsure person out there that you aren't alone in your frustrations. The most successful people on this earth have had their fair share of doubts, and they achieved their dreams by not giving into them and just kept pushing, no matter how long it took. We have to keep things into perspective and take a page out of their incredibly impressive, and maybe even similar-looking, notebooks.
At the end of the day, I really don't know what my future hold for me but I am determined to achieve one thing no matter what I wind up doing as a career: happiness. I need to keep working hard, keep my goals in line with that I want to do and especially have hope- more than what I've had recently anyways.
Honestly, maybe I have been feeling like I have had less hope lately because life is getting pretty real now and I'm looking at these dreams in a more realistic light so I could actually attain them. And maybe that's more beneficial than anything right now.
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