"Okay, one, two, three!" I hate and dread this phrase. It means I was forced, or felt forced, to take a picture with someone. I try to smile but struggle to hide the tears that are threatening to bubble up. I hate pictures with every fiber of my being. Sure, I take selfies, but rarely post them. And if I do, that picture took two hours to get just right, with a little help from Photoshop. I only like taking pictures of myself, by myself, because I am in control. I can't hide the crooked jaw, the fat neck, and the fat in general that is in full display when someone else takes one. I am not that girl who looks flawless in off guards. You know those girls. The ones that swear the picture came out ugly, but when they post it on social media they get over 100 likes and messages from interested suitors up the whazoo. Those are the naturally pretty girls that just don't know it. The truth is, I am not naturally pretty, and I know it too.

I get so jealous when I scroll through social media and see these gorgeous women always getting their pictures taken in every setting and situation. Their sister's birthday, a concert, at a bar. It seems so easy and effortless, but I envy it. I don't like turning down pictures or feeling my face grow hot as I'm shoved into one. I don't like being rude. But to me, it's like being trapped in a certain day or a certain look forever, with no escape. And since I don't look appealing hardly ever, I hate when someone captures it and it goes on the internet where it can be viewed unlimited times. My insecurity and my being uncomfortable is on full display for everyone to see, and I can't take it back. Now, these people that take the pictures have the best intentions, and I do not at all blame them. But not everyone likes pictures or feels the need to document every social encounter. As a society, it's become the norm for everything to be photographed. I sometimes wish this wasn't so.

Now, if you're reading this and thinking, "God, this chick is a nut. It's just a picture. It's not that deep." I want you to understand that as someone with severe self consciousness and social anxiety, this is my mind constantly. Over analyzing everything, my thoughts on a non stopping hamster wheel. Things that people don't give a second thought, I've been thinking about for five days already. Anxiety and hating yourself is fun to tweet about for likes, but when someone like me shows the ugly side of these issues, I'm viewed as weird. Anxiety is not fun, and hating myself to the point where I hate pictures crushes me from the inside out. I have years of bullying, and my own body image issues to thank for that.

Do not mock people who only post selfies. Do not ever force someone to take pictures, and do not put them on the spot. If you have a friend who is a little on the shy side, and who you know struggles with body image issues, pull them aside away from the spotlight and attention, and ask them if they are comfortable enough to be photographed. If they don't like how they look in the picture and asks you not to post it, don't. Trust me, they will go home happier not being in the pictures than knowing they were in one that they didn't want to be in. Always ask, and try to include, but do not force. It will mean the world.

I really wish I could write about happier things. I wish my pain didn't make such good reads. I wish when people say that they support all those with mental illness and body issues, that they actually meant it. I wish I loved myself. Because behind the articles, behind the screen, the words I'm typing get really blurry, really fast. No matter how much I try to escape, I'm always and forever running in place. One day I hope I can find an escape route. Or better shoes.