I have never had as close of friends as the ones I had when I was thirteen. This does not mean that the friends I have made since then--the ones in high school and now, the ones in college--are any less important to me or “worse” friends than the ones I had in junior high. They’re not--they’re amazing, funny, and I love them all the same. What’s different between the friends I had in junior high and the friends I have made since--the ones I have now--is not about them. It’s about me. It’s not that I’ve forgotten how to make friends with people who are amazing; I’ve forgotten how to return the favor. I no longer know how to be a friend.

When I was thirteen, I had a really good group of friends that I loved (and still love, no matter how they may feel now about me) and who were the first “real” group I had ever been a part of. We hung out all the time--so much so that any weekend spent at home without them around me felt lonely and wrong. I talked with them, laughed with them and trusted them. It wasn’t all perfect all the time, though (duh) and, more than any of the best times I remember the worst times. The times where we fought and cried, and times where we were mean to each other just because we had the power to be. It was then that I realized that the people that were closest to you were the people that could hurt you the most.

But that’s the point of a friendship. Giving people the power to hurt you and forgiving them when they take advantage just as you hope they forgive you when you do the same. That’s what’s different between the friendships I had in junior high and the ones I’ve made since. I don’t give people that power. I don’t share with them. I get close but not too close. And I definitely don’t spend all of my time with them. As I said, I learned that the closer you get to people, the more they could hurt you. Perhaps that’s what has scared me away from those types of friendships. But it’s what I miss the most.

I often am afraid that I am romanticizing those old friendships--the ones I had when I was thirteen. I’m afraid all of the time that I’m wrong about it altogether and that the only reason I miss them is because I lost it. Even now, I’m still afraid that I’ve built it up in my head, being away from them for so long. But I like it that way and I’d rather not know it any differently. And despite being unsure of those friendships, I know the ones that I’ve made since then, and I know I haven’t been doing them correctly.

I wish I could gather nerve to fix them, to become the friend I should’ve been. One who shares with them, spends time with them, and, on occasion, fights with them. And I wish that I can say that I will fix all of the friendships I only halfway committed to, but for now I can only promise myself that I will at least fix the most recent. The ones easiest to rectify. I must.

To all of my old friends--the ones I was actually a friend to--I miss you and I miss the friendships we had. And maybe I can redeem those, too, if I’m lucky and if I muster up the nerve. And to my high school friends: I miss you, too. It’s already been too long, and that’s my fault. I’m sorry for the “friend” I’ve been, the one only there half the time. The one that wasn’t always easy to talk to. And to my new friends: I’m sorry for shying away just as we got so perfectly close. The closeness I was wanting and missing. I won’t let that happen again. You can count on it. To all of you: you all mean so much to me, regardless of what I mean to you. You have taught me what it means to be a real friend and you made me want to be that friend. Thank you.