The most important thing that happened to me was that one of my best friends stopped talking to me for a few weeks. I was just ready to let that relationship go because I would rather lose a friend than have a difficult conversation.
Luckily, my friend had bigger balls than I did. She called me the first day of spring break; during that phone call we laughed and caught up. Near the end, I brought up that I was feeling distance between us. At this she told me that was the reason why she called, she didn't think that I cared about our friendship.
She always bared the responsibly of the relationship: she texted me first, she made the plans and she felt like I didn't try. She was right. I was so afraid of being rejected that I would rather do nothing than put myself out there.
Even something as silly as asking someone to hang out with me gave me fear. This was because I had allowed broken relationships to dictate the choices I made with current relationships. Heartbreak has held me back for years and I don't want the same to happen to you.
At some point in my young life, I told myself that I would not date until I knew that I wanted to marry the person. I justified this by saying I did not want to waste my time, but really it was because I was afraid of going through another breakup. So I remained single for six years.
During this time I would talk to a lot of boys, but would never commit. I said it was because I was using the time for myself, but in actuality, I did not want to get hurt so I would rather hurt. I hurt a lot of people, but I was so focused on my own fears to recognize other people's feelings.
When Maria and I got back from spring break we all met up with our other friend Natalie. We all talked about our breaks and how we were doing. Eventually, the conversation turned to the talk that Maria and I had, along with my fear of rejection. At this Natalie pulled up a quote from the Christian Philosopher C.S. Lewis:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
I was unwilling to be vulnerable with anyone. Not with my emotions-because to me, it's easy to be emotional with people around me- but instead with my time. I carried years of heartbreak that informed me of my worth instead of the people around me.
The heartbreak was not only hurting my friends, but it hurt the people that I used in my time of "singleness."
This past August I started dating someone. The relationship was wonderful and we learned so much from one another, but eventually, we both realized it was not right. I am sad about us breaking up, but I know that he would not want me to carry heartbreak for six more years.
So instead of allowing the lies that people have said about me dictate my heart, I will open the casket of selfishness that it is placed in and allow it to be vulnerable and I hope that you will join me.
