Before I get into anything, I feel like I need to do a disclaimer: This will mention sex and sexual actions, but I am not a prostitute.
I started selling my nudes via OnlyFans back in May. I wasn't getting much money, I just needed some extra cash for my upcoming trip to Austria. I didn't think I'd get this roped in by October, and I didn't think I'd want out this badly, but the money is so good, I don't want to leave at the same time.
At first, it was harmless nudes — the kind you would send to a significant other. But as I started getting more followers, the weirder my requests got. And with that, the more I started to avoid opening my app.
I never would've gotten my following if it wasn't for TikTok. I have over 15,000 followers on the app, and I put my OnlyFans account in my bio on it. Every time I went viral, people would go to my profile, see my OnlyFans link, and subscribe to it.
Within the month of September alone, I made almost $600 and that's all because of TikTok.
When I get a message for a custom, I want to fulfill it. I want to give them what they're paying for, but in my current situation, I can't. One of my roommates is still unemployed and because of that, he is always home. I can't record anything when he's home— it's just uncomfortable.
I have to wait and wait for both of my roommates to be gone. But then it became a chore. Because now when I do have the apartment to myself, I feel like I'm forced to do sex work rather than things I would enjoy doing more alone in my apartment. And I always push it aside, and now I'm two weeks late on customs that I said I would have done last weekend.
And now I'm scared to open the app unless I have them made. I'm scared that I'm going to get yelled at even though I told them not to pay me just yet for them. I'm scared they're going to call me a scam.
But, it's hard to record their requests when they want seven different things done in five minutes. “Uh, can I get a video with you riding your dildo and moaning really loud and saying my name? Do you do anal play? Can I get a little bit of that? I also love feet, but you don't have to do anything with them, I just want to see them. Also when you're riding, can it be from behind? Can you twerk? Before riding, do you mind doing a little strip show? OK, how much is that?"
It no longer was me having fun and people want to see, it became what I always read online would happen — becoming an object of sex and nothing more.
They don't understand when I take a week off because I work two other jobs and am in school. They don't understand why I need time to myself. Why the fuck can't I do the shit they want from me? I'm not a person to them. I am just a sexual object they pay to have their fantasies fulfilled.
And now, I want to leave. But I also don't.
As I said earlier, I made $600 in September. That's so good. But as long as my roommate is unemployed, I can't do this "Are they home? They aren't... I need to record. But I really want to do this one thing instead because they're not home" thing anymore.
I also don't want to leave because I feel like I'd be giving in to what people told me before — that I couldn't handle it. That it wouldn't just be selling feet pics and going about your day. I don't want to prove them right.
And I'm proud that I do this. I'm not ashamed of my sex work — I don't hide it.
All I do is sell my nudes and make good money out of it. Why would I not be proud? It's a confidence booster as well. But, as I said before, I'm too scared to open my app now until I have these finished out of fear of the retaliation I'll have.
Sex work (or nude selling) isn't just feet pics to 70-year-old men. I've sexted with men as old as I am who aren't bad looking. These are people going the ethical route and buying porn instead of getting it for “free" online. (See Mia Khalifa's interview about how she made no money in sex work but is one of the biggest names.)
It's hard, and time-consuming, just like any other job. And I want people to know that before they decide if they want to do it or not.
Follow Swoon on Instagram.
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