In a shocking announcement, Donald Trump revealed that he has named Lucy Van Pelt as his running mate for Vice President.
Yesterday morning, Trump met with his family to discuss his decision. Ivanka Trump later told reporters that upon receiving the news, she breathed a deep sigh of relief because she was petrified her father would opt to make her the first First Lady-Daughter of the United States. Afterwards, Trump took a private helicopter and flew to Mount Rushmore to make his announcement from the nasal cavity of George Washington.
“It’s great; she’s great. This is great,” Trump stated. “Ms. Van Pelt is what? 60? 70? But she looks like she’s only 8. If I wasn’t already married and owned the rights to “Peanuts,” I’d consider dating her. Let me tell you something: together, she and I are going to make America great again because all she does is win, win, win.”
When asked whether Van Pelt’s depressing career in baseball as a right fielder would cast some doubt towards her ability to win, Trump responded, “Winners are only losers when their losses against winners exceed their winnings.”
Needless to say, reactions on both sides have been decidedly mixed. Supporters of Trump believe Van Pelt’s dynamic aggressiveness will aide her in drowning out dissent among fellow Republicans. At Van Pelt’s first press conference, she instilled confidence into the audience with her loud cries.
“Listen, all of you! You’ve got to take direction! You’ve got to have discipline! You’ve got to have respect for your director!” Van Pelt was then promptly given a sloppy wet kiss from a hyperactive beagle, to which she responded by running around the platform screaming about “dog germs.”
Many view her previous experience as a psychiatrist and her very public unrequited romance with Schroeder as evidence that she has the skills necessary to combine professionalism and compassion into an unstoppable force.
Lucy Van Pelt flirting with Schroeder.
Others, however, are not as convinced. Lucy Van Pelt’s psychiatric company is currently under investigation by the FBI for allegations concerning monopolization and forgery. Van Pelt has continued to deny the rumors, repeatedly asserting that she is a legitimate doctor. Opponents also point to her inexperience in the political field. Her only credential comes from 1972 after she helped her brother Linus Van Pelt win the Student Body Presidential Election, which was quickly unmasked as a puppet delegation underneath the school board.
When Speaker of the House Paul Ryan heard the news, he helplessly shook his head and despondently said, “Well, at least it isn’t that blockhead, Charlie Brown.”
Apparently, Donald Trump’s political challenger Hillary Clinton echoes the sentiment.
“Just saw Trump picked Lucy Van Pelt,” Clinton tweeted last night. “After I hacked his emails last week, I was afraid the blockhead was the leading candidate.” This morning, she clarified her statement. “Nothing against Chuck, but it’s no fun debating somebody that couldn’t keep his clothes on if I threw a baseball at him.” Both tweets were immediately removed by the FBI.
The most damaging ammunition Democrats are wielding against Van Pelt is the “football scandal.” There's decades of video evidence showing Van Pelt cruelly pulling away a football from the aforementioned Charlie Brown. Considering the recent surge of concussion lawsuits against the NFL, the image of Brown’s anguished “AAUGH!” as he lands on his head is particularly sensitive among voters.
One of many documented cases where Lucy Van Pelt pulls the football away.
Still, supporters of Lucy Van Pelt could not be stopped from celebrating in the streets with radical dance moves such as “zombie walk,” “dusty cello,” and “hunched shoulders crisscross.” We managed to stop one enthusiastic “Peanuts” dancer for a few moments to speak with us.
“I am voting for Lucy Van Pelt” said St. Norbert College student Alex Gruber, “because she has book smarts and street smarts, because she has experience in forci—I mean—leading other people to do what needs to be done, because she fearlessly voices the complaints of the student body and because of her inherent charm and grace. I am definitely NOT voting for her because she threatened to clobber me if I did not. Why am I reading my answers from a sheet of paper? Uh…no reason. Just let Lucy know I'm voting for her, okay?!”
Regardless of what anybody thinks, Trump is determined to stick by his candidate. Whether his bold move will help him come November remains to be seen. For better or for worse, the doctor is in.
