Some may try to argue that Hillary Clinton’s political stances (that tend to evolve around election years) are some sort of proof of her blatant political opportunism or triangulation. The far simpler explanation for Clinton's flip-flopping is that she always has believed every position she had in the past, has now, or will have in the future.

All and every belief, stance, position existing all at once in a state of political quantum superposition. Her stance remains in this indeterminate state until the moment one observes her, upon which the policy realities collapse into each other, leaving only one singular position. The right position for the right time, every time.

Only Clinton has both the experience and high unfavorable ratings necessary to defeat the Republican nominee. She is, and always will be a proud moderate, informed by conservative principles and progressive principles, who will get things done with the help a Congress who is part of a right-wing conspiracy to ruin her political career.

Time Warner Cable Presents: Hillary Clinton™ on the Issues, a Clinton Family, LLC Production!

Free trade.

2016 Candidate Hillary Clinton™ stands firm on free trade, amidst the country’s rich history of trade deals generating prosperity for its citizens who are executives in multinational conglomerates. The Bill Clinton-sponsored bill, NAFTA (North American Free Trade Agreement), was an effective piece of free and fair trade legislation, and First Lady Hillary Clinton™ was proud to openly push for NAFTA, a deeply flawed agreement that 2008 Candidate Hillary Clinton™ campaigned against. Hillary Clinton would be stupid to oppose the “gold standard” of trade agreements, Barrack Obama-sponsored TTP -- a bill Hillary Clinton has consistently opposed. Her firm, unshakable convictions are even more present in her stance to the less well-known, but equally controversial Colombian Free Trade deal, her concrete stance quite self-evident, “As I have said for months, I opposed the deal, I have spoken out against the deal, I will vote against the deal and will do everything I can to urge the Congress to reject the Colombia Free Trade Agreement” which is “strongly in the interests of both Colombia and the United States."

Wall Street and the financial industry.

Clinton’s going to be so tough on Wall Street, you won’t believe it. You really won’t. You may, in fact, have extreme difficulty believing it. Where would our country be right now if Clinton hadn’t spoken to NASDAQ in 2007 — when it was too late to do anything substantial to avoid the incoming economic collapse — and told them to “cut it out.” Proud defender of the homeowners who were victims of predatory loans, her critique of Wall Street greed was truly scathing. The investment banks, investment firms and financial services corporations on Wall Street stand terrified, with their backs against the wall at the sight of our valiant defender of the common man, Hillary. They quake in fear and lash out like cornered animals, doing anything to stop Liberator Of The Middle Class Hillary Clinton™ by donating large sums of money to her campaign to attempt to keep her out of the White House.

Hillary Clinton is nothing less than proud of her harsh criticism of Wall Street in Champion Of The People Hillary Clinton’s™ Wall Street speeches that amounted to approximately 46.9 times the national median household income. She has nothing to hide and is eager to let her record stand for itself, as shown when asked to release transcripts of said speeches. Demonstrating true leadership and integrity synonymous with the Clinton (brand)name, she gallantly lead by example and refused to release them unless every other candidate did.

Now sure we don’t know what exactly were in the $2.45 million Wall Street speeches she made after leaving the State Department, but it will be very much an eloquent repudiation of corporate greed and fraud if her past speeches are any indication. She didn’t speak at Wall Street on numerous occasions over the course of a few years to be some sycophant, doing more than sing empty praises and flattery but to tell them to cut it out. To really just rail into them, laying bare the obscene wealth and greed, the grotesque selfishness. Ranting about how aggressively she would regulate them and sever their ability to line their pockets at the American citizens’ expense, and do it again and again. Her speeches were so effective that banks like Morgan Stanley had Hillary Clinton get up on the podium to tell them that she personally would put the brakes on the Wall Street gravy train, not once but three separate times, over the course of five months in 2013, for a total of $675,000.

On the sale of death and human bondage.

Apparently some Democrats want to nominate Socialist Revolutionary Bernardito Sanderos, who wants to arm all of the college-age Sandersnistas with AK-47s in a Marxist uprising in order to destroy everything Baby Boomers hold dear, like complaining about technology invented after 1973, or NCIS. Once they start taking this election seriously, the voters have no choice but to go with the rational, pragmatic candidate. Hillary Clinton is absolute and eternal, the cause of common-sense gun reform. Scion of the Obama Legacy, Hillary Clinton™ unrestrained in her fight against the NRA and gun lobbies, these merchants of death, with nothing but righteous condemnation for those who participate in the buying and selling of instruments of murder. The trade of arms and ammunitions is an inherently immoral act, and Clinton has cast a pox on both houses participating in the markets of violence.

2016 Candidate Hillary Clinton™ will reform the prison industrial complex. She is so peerless in her firm resolve to disavow the sinister vendors of human bondage that out of principle, she has refused the campaign donations from private prisons for the entirety of her political career since October.

National security.

When Edward Snowden put the country at risk for exposing illegal government behavior, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton™ realized the gravity of his actions, deeply concerned about how he “turn[ed] over a lot of that material — intentionally or unintentionally — drained, gave all kinds of information, not only to big countries, but to networks and terrorist groups and the like.”

Classified documents are a serious matter, and it is of great importance that such material is handled properly. Any instance, whether it be with intent or out of neglect, where these highly sensitive documents are removed from their secure channels, is nothing more than a gross dereliction of duty and an explicit violation of protocol. Classified and sensitive materials are to remain only in sure government channels due to the very serious consequences of foreign governments and unemployed Romanians gaining access to information about the U.S. nuclear missile systems, or private diplomatic communications, or ██████, which would be unequivocally unethical and potentially illegal. For offenses with such damaging consequences, no one should be able to escape the consequences of their actions.

Barack Obama.

While the Bernie Bros would like to destroy every single one of Barack Obama’s accomplishments, and transform the Democratic Party into a millennial aestheto-tumblrcore ride-share program start-up hell-scape, Barack Obama’s friend Hillary Clinton™ will continue his legacy, and take his name, and eat his heart in order to gain his courage and assume his form.

2016 Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton™ has been a constant defender of Barack Obama, His Holiness the Patriarch of the Democratic Orthodox Church. Hillary Clinton has always stood by the side of this infallible man, who has endured such feckless attacks from the Republican party: from the insinuation that he’s a Muslim, or wasn’t a real American, and other racially charged innuendos; or when the far-right Republicans were anticipating his assassination, or attacking his character through guilt-by-association tactics by constant ranting and raving about his loose association with controversial figures like Bill Ayers or Reverend Wright. Now the sacred duty to preserve the legacy of America’s greatest 44th President lies solely on 2016 Candidate Hillary Clinton™.

LGBT* rights.

(*B, T sold separately, availability may vary.)

Hillary Clinton,has always been a champion of gay rights for going on three years. She had the moral conviction that compelled her to move against the blowing political winds, unafraid to take an unpopular, principled stance openly supporting gay marriage in the year 2013, when coincidentally it was the first time that 50 percent of Americans supported it. When Clinton fundraiser and HRC President Chad Griffin along with the other 31 leaders had to unilaterally decide which Democratic candidate the Human Rights Campaign would endorse, the choice couldn’t be more clear. Clinton had received a commanding lead with a 89 percent rating from the HRC, while hentai-lord weed-dad Bernie Sanders barely managed to scrape by with only a weak 100 percent

Immigration.

When thousands of Honduran children sought asylum — fleeing the military coup that removed the democratically-elected President Manuel Zelaya — backed by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton™, she knew she was culpable and had a moral obligation to reach out to these children — these huddled masses yearning to be free — with open arms, and ask them to leave. Some said it was harsh, but Abuelita Hillary Clinton™ had to send a message to the mothers and fathers that they couldn’t just send their children on a perilous voyage every single time the U.S. topples a Latin American government.

Foreign policy.

The most disloyal, usurper, pig-dog, traitor Bernie Sanders insists on stooping so low as to bring up Clinton’s 2002 vote for the Iraq War that cost approximately $2 trillion and half a million lives. He continues to sling mud, engage in gutter politics to bring up this 14 year old vote, ignoring more important foreign policy topics such as the Islamic State group and other terrorist groups that arose from the chaos and destabilization of that 14-year-old vote.

Instead, look at the apex of Hillary Clinton’s tenure as Secretary of State: Libya. Gaze upon this desert jewel, an oasis amidst the desert of conflict and instability. Look on her works, ye Mighty and despair! Upon her call to action, rising above and beyond the Call of Duty(:Modern Warfare). Clinton, a cool collected leader who used the lessons learned from the catastrophic failure of regime change in Iraq to bring upon triumphant regime change in Libya.

War is a heavy burden to carry, and to be a true leader, one must always be conscious of the gravity of their actions. In an interview, Clinton displayed her solemn respect for the sheer power of life and death. “We came, we saw, he died,” she laughed, recounting how the former U.S.-backed dictator Mummar Gaddafi was shot, stabbed, beaten, sodomized with a rifle bayonet, then had his naked, bloodied corpse paraded through the streets by then U.S.-backed rebels in a Geneva Convention-banned summary execution.

With Gaddafi’s hilarious death, Diplomatic Whiz-Kid Hillary Clinton™ helped usher in a golden age for the now liberated Libya, having freed up the space for a true democratic government like the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. Without a doubt, Hillary Clinton deserves almost all of the credit for her transformation of Libya. It would be imperative to point out that Clinton is the only Democratic candidate with the experience, the judgement, the strength of character to build upon the resounding triumph in Libya, and arm militant groups to oust Bashar Al Assad, so that the people of Syria can obtain the level of prosperity that the Libyans have enjoyed for several years, thanks to Hillary Clinton.

This Concludes Time Warner Cable Presents: Hillary Clinton on the Issues, a Clinton Family, LLC Production

It’s the year 2017, and it’s morning in America. A new sun rises, and along with it, a new era emerges on Inauguration Day. Doing a sick backflip off of the hoverboard she rode to the podium, President-Elect Hillary Clinton™ waves at the crowd to thunderous applause. Taking a selfie with Chief Justice John Roberts before she places her hand on the Bible and takes the oath of office. After Clinton completes her all-emoji inaugural address, Ellen DeGeneres rises from a hidden trapdoor in a cloud of fog. President Clinton and Ellen “dab”, as the young folks call it, and the crowd goes wild.

In a Vermont cafe that serves coffee in mason jars and uses repurposed drift wood and shipping crates as furniture, Bernie Sanders watches the grand spectacle, the confetti, the fireworks with a single tear streaming down his cheek. With deafening fervor the thousands upon thousands of adoring citizens at West Front celebrate as the president for all times, for all people,of all positions, stances, statements and opinions is finally anointed. The air filled with the sound of adulation as President Clinton exits the stage on her Heelys, gliding into oblivion.