I’m sure we were all shocked when news dropped about Amber Heard and her claims that Johnny Depp was abusing her throughout their marriage. The one thing I have heard in all of these articles is “we never saw it coming”. It’s this phrase that made me realize that we need to be more vigilant on the front of domestic violence so that we can get victim help early and prevent catastrophe from occurring.
This article doesn’t focus on the claimed domestic abuse case of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard nor am I attempting to take a side. It’s just an example of the shocking prominence of domestic abuse in society and how hard it is for a victim to get help themselves. Instead this article focuses on how to see domestic abuse in a relationship and how to safely help victims of domestic abuse.
1. Seeing the signs of abuse
One of the most obvious signs of abuse is bruises or broken bones. Victims will often make excuses or attempt to hide their bruises with make-up. There will often be emotional signs as well such as distancing themselves from others, or excessively asking permission to do something. Often they will be kept on a short leash such as not having a credit card or access to a car. Abuse victims often undergo drastic personality changes as their survival instincts kick in. If you see these signs in someone attempt to gain their friendship before you go any further. Above all you want to be a friend to them in their time of need.
2. Address the problem with the victim
This is often one of the hardest steps. You might feel like you’re being nosy or rude, but just remember that in most cases abuse sufferers don’t know how to reach out for help themselves. They often feel that they deserve the abuse they are receiving and that they’re at fault. Start by expressing concern, using phrases such as “I’m worried someone is hurting you” or “I’m concerned about your safety”. Make sure you do it in a safe and confidential area so that the victim can talk freely.
3. Be encouraging and full of love
As said before, most domestic abuse victims blame themselves for the violence. Often they will feel depressed, confused, or even scared of intervention. You must be patient and firm. Remind the victim that none of this is their fault. One of the biggest things we, as family and friends, can do is remind the injured party that they are loved. Take time to remind the victim that you care about their health and safety and that you want them to be safe.
4. Connect them with resources
Create a family network to encourage the targets of abuse daily. Help them find a support group or a domestic violence hotline that they can talk to. Giving them resources to move at their own pace, no matter how slow that may be. Domestic violence cases are tough because often the victims don’t want to hurt their abusers and so they will often stay silent. By giving them resources you are allowing them to talk to other people who have been in the same position as them and who understand the fear that comes with seeking help.
5. Go at the victim’s pace
I know this seems counterproductive but going at the victims pace is often the safest thing you can do. It allows the injured party to come to terms with the abuse and helps regain their trust. These victims often have their trust constantly violated by their abusers and you have to show them that they still deserve respect. If this means not going to the police or not giving your opinion because you were asked not to, then don’t do it. When they ask you to just listen, please just listen.
6. Combat victim blaming
Victim blaming is very real in today’s society. Please stand up for the victim. We need to blame abusers for their actions and support abuse targets. Victim blaming is incredibly harmful to not only present and past victims, but also to future victims. When we blame victims we perpetuate the idea that victims are responsible for the violence and make it harder for victims to seek help.
These are just the first steps. Abuse survivors will feel the after effects of their abuse for the rest of their lives. We must continue to be an encouraging light to abuse survivors and make sure that they stay safe even after the abuse seems to be over. We must also remember that victims and abusers come in many different forms and everyone deserves to get the help they need.
For more info please check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800799-SAFE or visit the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence’s website for support.
