Being a victim of rape, I have come to find that many people do not know how to help or comfort you when you begin talking about it. I don’t blame them. There isn’t a class on how to react to these types of devastating situations. However, I think it’s important to learn how to communicate and provide comfort to victims because rape is much more prevalent than people think. It could easily happen, or it could have already happened to someone very close to you.
Through all my experience with sharing my story, I have come to find that sometimes simple things can help. The victim must go through their healing journey on their own, but having support from friends, family and even the community can make a world of difference, as it did for me. Here are a few ways you can show your support and love for those that open up to you about enduring this scarring and life-altering experience:
- Believe them when they tell you!
I listed this as number one, because I believe it to be one of the most important. Believe the person when they express that they have been a victim of rape. Suffering through a rape is already traumatic enough. Imagine adding to that trauma by insinuating that this person, who has bravely opened up to you, is lying. They own this story now. And if they want to tell you, believe it. Many people may find it hard to believe, because they don’t realize how often this happens. But if more people didn’t question it, our society would realize what a major issue this is. - Tell them it is not their fault, do NOT blame them.
Don’t ask them: “Well, how much did you drink?” “Well, why were you alone with him?” “What were you wearing?” “Well, what did you expect when you were kissing him earlier in the night?” NO, NO NO. None of that matters. I don’t care if you are stripping for someone...if you decide during, before, after, whenever that you no longer wish to participate in the imminent sexual encounter, you are allowed to say no and they must respect that and not move any further. It was not the clothes or the drinks that raped him or her. Someone made a conscious decision to victimize that person. Don’t do it again by blaming them. - Listen.
If a victim, opens up to you, realize how hard that was for them. They are making themselves extremely vulnerable again for you. Take that as a privilege and listen. Do not listen to respond either. Actively listen--this might provide you more insight to know how to offer them further assistance and support. - Do NOT tell them what they should do.
Being a victim of rape means being robbed of your choice. It means feeling like what you wanted was insignificant. It means feeling like a slave because you did not have the option to choose for yourself. Therefore, do not take their choice away again by telling them how they should go about healing/moving forward. Ask how you can help. Let them to use their voice.
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5. Provide them with options.
Be aware of what steps a victim can take after rape. Provide them with numbers to hotlines. Know who they can talk to to help them move forward in their life, i.e. a Human Resources Business Partner at work, the Victim Advocacy office on a college campus, a counselor, a pastor/priest, etc. Offer to accompany them to get STD testing. Ask them if they would like to report.
6. Don’t use the word ‘rape’ out of context.
I was sitting in class once when I heard a guy behind me say to his friend, “Dude, I just raped that exam.” This is beyond insensitive and ignorant. Do NOT use this word lightly. Chances are, that guy offended at least one person sitting next to him, if not more. He could have very easily been sitting next to a survivor of rape. To use this word out of context, desensitizes it. It makes the real thing seem less of a societal issue, which is exactly what we don’t need.
7. Donate to or work/volunteer at Domestic and Sexual Violence Centers.
Whether it be volunteering at a shelter or donating your money to keep these facilities running, it is important to maintain these centers. Victims need a place to escape. These centers many times are in need of donations, for things as simple as paying the electric bill. These centers provide the victims with all the services they need to nurse them back to a better mental/physical state and they need all the help they can get.
8. Educate yourself.
Know what situations are considered to be rape. Know your state’s sexual violence laws. If you are familiar with what the full definition of rape is, you can avoid wondering about those “blurred lines” people speak of. Many times, a person who gets raped does not realize that they were a victim. They blame themselves. They tell themselves that their perpetrator(s) was not wrong. They don’t want to accept and call it what it is. But if you start calling it what it is, rape, hopefully they will be able to as well. And just being able to identify the event for what is really is serves as a huge step in the healing process.
9. Don’t contribute to rape culture; don’t treat women’s bodies like objects!!
This is how you will help solve the core problem behind rape and sexual violence. Women’s bodies are portrayed as objects over and over again in the media. Women’s bodies are things to be had. Men see advertisements such as the one below and are taught that a woman’s body is something to be used for their pleasure. Jean Kilbourne, author and filmmaker states that “Turning a human being into a thing is almost always the first step to justifying violence against that person.
10. Teach “don’t rape” rather than “don’t get raped.”
People warn women when they go out with sentiments such as “go out in a group,” “watch your drinks,” “don’t wear that,” “don’t walk alone at night.” But do we teach people “don’t take advantage of someone,” “don’t attempt to have sex with someone if they are not sober and aware,” “if they don’t say yes, it means no.” I have heard the first pieces of advice way more often. Why do we encourage women to take self-defense classes and put pepper spray in their stockings at Christmas, but we don’t teach men how to respect women and not treat them as sexual objects and not to rape?
11. Love on them.
It’s so important to simply show support in any way possible. If that is taking them to the health clinic or counseling, do it. If it’s simply sharing something on Facebook that helps raise awareness, do it. If it’s sleeping over at their house because they have nightmares, do it. Hug them, (only if they want), stick up for them, listen to them, show them that you love them and care about their well-being. Help them heal.
