You learn a lot when you've been on this earth for 21 years. You learn about love, you learn about the importance of family and friendship, you learn about the heartbreaking reality of change. I never really imagined how it would feel to experience all these aspects of life at once, bombarding my whole being, the overwhelming numbness of it all. I also never thought that the cause of it would be because of one small thing: my dog.
They always say, "A dog is a man's best friend," and in my case I'd like to think a dog is a girl's best friend. When I first got my dog, I was 10 years old in the 5th grade and nothing in the world was better than a little, tiny, small black Labrador puppy. The memories are vague, I was young and things seem to all be a blur since then but I do remember her small body lying on my lap the entire car ride home, yawning in my face, puppy breath and all. I loved her already and it was probably the simplest thing in the world, to just love her.
From then on, she grew up with me. We went through everything together, from travelling in the car for eight hours to my grandparents' house every holiday, from my parents divorcing, from my first boyfriend and first ever breakup, from finally graduating high school, from moving to two different houses in two different states within a few years, from moving away for my first year of college and eventually transferring to a school back home, from getting my first job to now in my final year of college almost 11 years later. My dog became just a regular, normal aspect of my life, something that never changed and was always there waiting for me back home when things got to be a bit too much. Her enthusiastic bark, wag of her tail and the light in her eyes were always a constant and present to greet me when I came home. The comfort in that was unlike any other feeling.
You never expect to lose someone so suddenly with no warning at all and when it happens, it's an absolute punch to the gut. When I saw my dog for the last time, I knew something was off. It's amazing how one look, one action can ultimately determine whether or not you know someone's okay. I think that's how my dog and I always were, we knew each other so well, like sisters almost. With a few last pats on the head, I left for work and that was the last time I ever saw my dog again. It's weird to think that was my final glimpse of her, completely weak and not her bright, exuberant self. But that's not what I remember her as. I remember her as a big 11-year-old dog but still a puppy at heart. I won't lie, it's like a piece of me is missing and I think I'll always feel that way. When one aspect of your life has been a certain way for so long, it's strange to have it alter so unexpectedly. It's unnerving to come home to an empty house, no happy puppy face to greet you at the door, no little licks on your hand. It's an eerie, empty feeling, like something's missing, a void unfilled. But it's not something that'll last forever, I hope.
I read an article a while ago about the reason why dogs don't live as long as humans do, why their lives are so much shorter than all of ours. The perspective was through the eyes of a six-year-old boy and one of the wisest things I've ever read: "People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life – like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right? Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”
And that's the thing about dogs, they don't care how much you screwed up on your big exam that you totally flunked, they don't care that you gained a few extra pounds and don't fit into your jeans quite as good as you used to, they don't care that you don't have many friends at school or that you have no one to hang out with because they love you more than anything in their own little world.
People go through years of their life searching for the ultimate best friend, someone who shares their interests, listens to them when everything in their life is crumbling, laughs with them and makes them happy. It's surprising to know those factors are hard to find in a best friend these days. I'm proud to say mine was my dog. She taught me about true friendship, the meaning of family and what it means to be unconditionally loved. The all-encompassing love I felt from her is a feeling that'll never be replaced and she made it seem like it the easiest task in the world. I've been wishing she was back so I could have one last, proper day with her, appreciating her and showing her how much I loved her. I'd like to think you can never tell someone how much you love them too many times but with her, I don't think it was necessary. She knew how loved she was, she knew how much she was cared for and she knew how much a part of my family she was.
There aren't enough words in the dictionary to explain how much adoration I felt for her, she was my best friend and my sister. The love for your dog is unlike anything else in the world, I believe that now.
I'd go through every experience again with her, no regrets or changing a thing because that's what a best friend does and that's where she always was in every memory, by my side. It's ridiculous to think that maybe she could've lived forever but it's wishful thinking. It was engraved in my mind that I would have a few years left with her, continuing to make memories and doing nothing but exchanging love. But things happen and this is what was dealt to me. A life without her is incomplete and boring, to some people that may seem dramatic but to me it makes sense. I envisioned my dog with me in the next phase in my life which was graduating college and hopefully living my dream so it's odd to think that she won't be there to witness it, to go through it with me. When things get even tougher, she won't be there to set her head on my leg and look up at me lovingly when she knows I'm down. It's difficult to live a life without my best friend especially with all these thoughts in my mind, constantly swirling around and eating me up inside. I know with time the pain will subside, I'll miss her still but it won't hurt as much to think about her absent from my life.
Although the wound's still fresh, I'm happy to know that the 11 years of her life were the best they ever could be because I gave that to her and in return she gave me the best 11 years of friendship I could ever ask for.
