Some people say that there are 7 stages of grief. If that’s true, I’ve probably gone back to start 20 times over. Losing a loved one is the most complex and confusing thing I’ve ever experienced, so I figured I’d share just a few things I’ve learned in my process.
It doesn’t feel how you think it will.
It’s not the screaming and crying you see in the movies, at least, it isn’t always. It takes hours, days, or even weeks for some to register their feelings. Others tend to get angry, or feel shock. Grief is everything from crying in the shower to staring at a blank wall for hours on end.
It doesn’t care when it comes.
It’s pretty inconsiderate in that way. Grief can creep up on you in the happy times and in the sad. You can go weeks without thinking about it, but then it’s on your mind every day. Grief doesn’t care what you’re doing, and it often waltzes into your life when you least expect it.
People will think you’re doing it wrong.
You can cry too much or not cry enough. You can throw yourself into your work, or you can withdraw from social activities. Either way, people will tell you that you’re doing it wrong. They’ll say you need a distraction from it, and then they’ll say you need to talk about it more. Usually these people are just trying to help, but remember that ultimately, the only person who gets to decide what you need is you.
It's a lot of different things.
Grief is countless different feelings tied into one word. It’s anger, sadness, frustration, nostalgia, anxiety, pain, fear, support, and love. Sometimes it’s all of those at once. It sneaks up in ways you wouldn’t expect. Sometimes people feel overwhelming peace. Other times, being confronted with death makes people fearful.
Sometimes it feels like nothing.
Although it is sometimes less talked about, numbness often comes with grieving. Not being able to register your feelings is sometimes worse than the pain. That’s what’s so weird about grief. You can feel everything and then nothing.
It’s different for everyone.
This one is already a running theme here. Everyone deals with grief in different ways. Some people want to talk about their feelings, and others keep to themselves. There are about a million different shades of gray when it comes to dealing with grief. There isn’t a right way to handle it.
It gets easier with time.
Grief will likely be with you for the rest of your life. The good part is that it does get easier. All we can do is take care of ourselves, care for others, and leave the rest to time.
