When I Googled “depression”, these were my results:
The misery portrayed here is pretty accurate. Depression occurs because of a lack of dopamine, the neurotransmitter that helps control the brain's reward and pleasure centers. But contrary to preconceived notions of what depression is, the mental illness is much more than visibly being sad. It is a complex world that shapes how I live, think and feel. There are more factors than being just "blue", such as:
Endless anxiety.
There are so many fears that haunt me, from friends leaving me to never being worth living. Any irrational thought blows up to epic proportions and eventually ruins my life.
There’s either too much emotion or too little.
It’s been almost two years since I have lost the ability to be genuinely happy. I feel somewhat happy at times but it’s a superficial layer that covers emotional numbness. When I am emotional, it comes in waves and I am swamped in negativity. It feels disorienting at best, when I have to learn to control how I feel.
Being mentally, physically, and emotionally tired.
I’m just not able to function, which interferes with my personal relationships and school work. It takes every ounce of the little willpower I have left to stay up to keep up with my studying and be more involved with my friends. Most times, I wish I were curled up in my bed and watching House.
All personal flaws are blown out of proportions and self-esteem plummets.
It has only been a year since I accepted the fact that I am not ugly, which is incredible since I had spent most of my life fully convinced that I was as attractive as roadkill. This was compounded by me believing that I had no redeemable qualities what so ever. Depression is really good at making the afflicted believe that they are utterly useless.
Impulsive and dangerous thoughts are much harder to ignore.
Everyone has impulsive thoughts, but most people are usually pretty good at suppressing them or logically dispelling them. When I am in an emotionally frustrating state of mind, my brain is much more muddled, and truthfully I want to act in a way that would endanger myself. It is not a coincidence that depression is correlated with higher rates of suicide or self harm.
Happiness and love are appreciated much more.
Considering that depression made me feel much lonelier, I came to be much more thankful for the ones who have stuck by me and loved me unconditionally. And also, considering that depression makes me devoid of joy, I learned to savor and enjoy a rare moment of happiness when it comes by.
I don't want to make a sappy conclusion but I do believe that I am on my way to recovery, albeit slowly. It's so much effort and disappointment I go through to make progress, but it's worth it because I want each factor I listed above to GTFO of my life.
***If you are suffering from depression and/or thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255
