I think this could possibly be the toughest article I've ever written, and maybe ever will. I say that because when you write and talk about depression, you almost would have to completely understand. Then, when you write about being depressed, you open yourself up to a whole level of vulnerability and judgment. I used to fear those things. Now, I fear not talking about it.
Depression is a mood disorder. It causes you to feel constant feelings of sadness or loss in interest. It causes your mind to wander to things that a rather healthy mind, would not. I think the first time I felt depressed was around fourteen. Being that young, I think I put it off as normal teenage hormones, as did my family. Now, I want you to understand how supporting and loving my family is. As long as I can remember, I've always had a listening ear and have never gone without anything that I truly needed. Which made it even harder for my family to ever see me as depressed. What did I have to be sad about? That's the thing, it doesn't have to be something that makes you sad. Most of the time, I don't even know why I'm sad. And it's that, that sounds most stupid to people who have never been burdened with depression.
For a brief period, I attended weekly counseling sessions. Honestly, they didn't help much at all. But, that was mostly because I felt like I had to lie. I felt like I had to pretend the counseling was helping, or else I may be put on some medication, with a side effect list longer that I wanted to deal with. I feared medication. I had learned methods of "dealing" when I felt sad. I had learned that writing was an outlet for my feelings. If I was put on medication and had any of the side effects, I would have to "train" myself to deal with those things. I didn't want to take the risk. So I have self-treated, with coping mechanisms.
I thought that once I had my daughter, I would never have to feel sad again. I mean, she's beautiful and I am so very blessed. How could I be anything but happy? Sadly, it doesn't work like that. I wish it did, because the worst thing for me is her seeing me sad. I grew up seeing my mom sad, and it bothered me that I couldn't "fix it". Currently, my daughter is too young to understand. She didn't know as I laid next to her crying, that I had no idea what was wrong with me. But, I'm hoping that as she gets older, I find more effective ways of fighting the disorder. I have learned how to cope, but not yet how to avoid.
I write this article for people to know, depression does exist. I urge you, although you may not feel it, try not to judge those who do. Try to further understand that anyone, of any class, can still have depression. Depression is not about what or who you have, or don't have. Depression is not about getting attention. Depression is a feeling of drowning in unjustified sadness. Depression is hard.
For all those who have experienced depression, I advise doing what works for you. Every person is different. If medicine is your solution, keep up with your medication. If counseling is your way to cope, never miss a session. If you don't know how to cope, explore many options. Some people find exercise or other hobbies help them. I have found that music and writing are my solution. My overall point is, there is a solution. Never give up hope to cope.
