I Have Depression. I Have Anxiety. I Am Bisexual. I Am Me.

I Have Depression. I Have Anxiety. I Am Bisexual. I Am Me.

I've decided to fully embrace who I am, and I am coming clean.

I've written this about a million times. I've sat up late at night reading my words and wondering how to say everything just right. I've deleted more paragraphs than I ever thought was possible and I've had drafts of things I wanted to say saved on my hard drive for years.

Today is the day. The day that I'm coming clean about everything that I've kept inside since the beginning of high school and maybe even earlier. Yesterday was World Mental Health Awareness Day, and after reading a beautiful piece written by a friend this morning, here's my truth.

I have depression. I have anxiety. I am bisexual. I am me.

Typing these words, I am holding back the tears as my hands shake and my mind is relaying every possible horrible reaction my friends and family could have to this if they read it.

But there's also a burning relief in my heart that I'll have no more secrets and that for the first time in a long time, I will finally be able to be me.

Let me break a few things down for you about my mental illness.

If you are reading this, I want you to know that I didn't choose to feel this way and I do not do any of this for attention. My depression and anxiety do not define me, but they are very much two things that I fight every single day. I take medication every morning to help me feel like a real person again, and there is nothing wrong with that.

We need to stop stigmatizing mental illness.

Several months after I finally went to a mental health professional and started taking antidepressants, I was driving down the road when suddenly I just felt happy. I had this overwhelming sense of peace and joy and contentment flood over me, and I realized that this is what it feels like to not have depression.

This is what it feels like to be normal again.

Only recently did I start taking something for my anxiety. In the last few months, crowds and the unknown have been terrifying. I avoided going places with people at all. I'd rather go grocery shopping by myself with my headphones in, just so the little voice in the back of my mind would stop telling me that all my friends hated me and didn't really care.

Originally, this piece was just going to talk about my depression and anxiety, but then I realized that there was one more thing I was hiding. And this was even more important, albeit more terrifying, to finally let out.

I am bisexual.

I like men and I like women. I am not being "indecisive" or "picky" or "confused." I am not just going through a phase. I will not pick one sex in the end. I love people, regardless of what sex or gender, and that will never change. If you have a problem with that, I can show you to the door.

I'm tired of being scared and pretending to be someone that I am not. I am who I am, and that's enough for me.

I know so many young adults and teens who are struggling with these very same issues and honestly, there is no easy way to come out as being anything but straight. It's just as hard to be vulnerable and tell people that you are struggling with mental illness.

I'm tired of feeling weak and helpless, though, and starting today, I am embracing all of me—even the parts that I do not necessarily like.

I might lose friends or family from coming out. That's ok. The great ones will always be by my side. They are the ones there for me on my really bad days, my really good days, and everything in between. Thank you.

To anyone reading this who is lost and confused, I see you. Things will get better. It is not easy, by any means, but it will one day be worth it. Do not be afraid to ask for help—I know it's hard, but it can change your life.

Never apologize for being you because, darling, you are absolutely perfect just the way you are.

Cover Image Credit: unsplash.com

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.

Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black and white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble; and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time, until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling; whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die," or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you, you are not alone.

If you're thinking about hurting yourself please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionhotline.org to live chat with someone. Help it out there and you are not alone.

Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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You Deserve Happiness

And it's seriously that simple.


If you're wondering if you deserve happiness or why everything just doesn't feel right in your life right now, just know that it's going to be ok and that everything happens for a reason. While there's going to be good days and there's going to be bad days, one thing is certain: you deserve happiness.

Trust me; I know it's not easy.

People are going to be rude and some are going to try and create drama when they have the opportunity. However, while you're reading this, you should know that it happens to everyone and you are not alone when it comes to having these feelings or perspective.

2019 (or whatever year you are reading this in) is your year and nothing should change that. Whether it started out rough or incredible, there is still time to turn it around and make it what you want it to be.

Life is like a car and you're the driver. If you don't like where you're headed, turn around or make a quick right. It's ok to remove toxic and negative people from your life and distance yourself from things you realized are not worth your time or energy anymore.

Bad days are still, unfortunately, going to happen here and there. However, learning how to handle them and make them less of an emotional tragedy (depending on the severity of what happened of course) will make you a stronger person.

So if you're reading this because you needed it or simply because you saw it somewhere across social media, remember that you deserve everything you want out of life and more. Take a deep breath today and focus your energy on the positive aspects of life.

Life is what you make it and it's the way you react to certain things that happen that ultimately shapes you into who you are. Keep doing your thing, whatever that may be, and things are going to work out.

This is your year!

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