I heard what can only be called a real-life horror story the other night, over dinner, and suddenly my Belgian waffle wasn’t as appealing as before.

I’ll save the details, but the story was about abuse. It was not a story to make the audience feel sad, nor was it a story to bash the other person involved. This story was one of survival, one of life lessons that we wouldn’t otherwise learn.

A friend of mine was in a long-term relationship that to the outsider seemed perfectly happy, and for a while it was. Then, as with any relationship, things changed. As one pulled away, the other continued to give. And give. And give.

It got to the point where all of his happiness was invested in her. Every waking moment was dedicated to her, something we all want, right?

But is there a point of no return? Is there a line that divides happiness and dependence?

I used to think there wasn’t. I used to think that life would be okay if I could find an awesome boyfriend that gave me all of his attention. I used to have this twisted sense of a perfect relationship—where both parties can’t breathe, can’t exist without each other.

How messed up right?

That’s what all of the books and movies and tv shows and even fairy tales portray. The couple who has to constantly be around each other, who can’t focus on the situation without the other person, who alienates themselves from other social relationships.

How sad that this is what we thought was love.

But what if that’s not how it’s supposed to be?

You see, as I sit here and ponder the details of the heart-wrenching story I heard the other night, I can’t help but wonder if somehow, somewhere along the line, we got it all wrong. I sit here and I wonder if we as society messed up.

As I listened to the story, my thoughts kept drifting back to one idea: how dangerous it is to invest so much happiness into someone. No, I’m not saying that they were wrong, that they made a mistake in being together. No, there’s something to be said for 2+ years of love and commitment. I’m not bashing on relationships, not at all. I’m simply wondering when depending on someone else for our happiness became romantic. And since then, these words have been floating, bouncing, banging around in my mind:

How dangerous it is to depend on someone else for our happiness.

It’s scary when we wake up and can’t provide for ourselves, when we put all of our happiness into someone who will eventually fail us, because let’s face it we’re all human. It’s a scary thing when we let someone dictate our moods for the rest of the day by what they do or don’t do. As he was telling me this story, he looked at me and said, “I had put all of my happiness in her, and that was my mistake.” Because we don’t realize how many other things we will come to depend on them after that. And what happens when something goes wrong? What happens when they leave? They take everything, including our happiness. How dangerous, how toxic, how scary.

I’m not saying that relationships are a bad thing, neither did my friend. Love is one of the most beautiful things to ever exist, without it, we wouldn’t exist.

But when we start to mistake love for dependence, we start to tumble.

There is such thing as being in love and being independent, maintaining other friendships, having time to ourselves, remaining the own unique individuals we are.

But we can’t depend on an imperfect person for perfect happiness, because we will always be let down, no matter how long the relationship lasts or how much love is there.

Relationships are beautiful and exciting and loving and I truly believe they are some of the greatest blessings God has given us. Finding someone to love and to cherish and to do life with is an incredible thing. But we have to remember to maintain our independence and stop relying on others for our happiness. We must find happiness ourselves.