De·men·tia, noun: a chronic or persistent disorder of the mental processes cause by brain disease or injury and marked by memory disorders, personality changes, and impaired reasoning.
This simple word has become a distinct part of my life over the past few years. To me, dementia is more than a disorder because it destroys more than the mind. According to the Alzheimer's association, dementia is a general term for a decline in mental ability severe enough to interfere with daily life, memory loss is an example. My grandma has suffered from memory loss through countless days, and years now and it affects my entire family.
Life for me, especially when I'm home from school, involves me hearing numerous times a day "I can't remember," "Sorry, I forgot," or "You'll go through this when you're my age."
These statements are all partially truthful, but they are more than that... they are sad to hear and sometimes if I'm being honest, I see them as excuses. If you would ask her if she has dementia she would tell you something along the lines of, "No, I just have trouble remembering things," or "No you're crazy!"
If you have ever lived through a situation where one of your family members (or friends) genuinely can not remember anything, then you know that feeling... You just wish they could magically snap out of it and have everything go back to normal, how things used to be. How things were before the memory loss. I can't even remember when it first began or how it started but I can tell you I can see the effects of it now in the way that she lives her life. If you haven't lived through a situation like this, just try and put yourself in their shoes of confusion for the remainder of this article.
Everyday is a struggle for someone with dementia. There are different kinds of it and different stages of it, but they all effect the way that the memory works, or the way that the person acts, or even their decision making process. Dementia captures the heart and soul of a person and never gives it back. It steals their personality, their beliefs, and their dreams. Dementia is a thief of the mind.
"If this is insanity, at least I'm enjoying it!" my grandma says, at least three times a day and with a smile on her face. The cool part about that statement is that she really is enjoying her "insanity." She dances to old music, and talks to literally every single baby she sees in public, and pets every single dog on her street, she naps all of the time, and she plays words with friends on her laptop, and tells everyone that she can't remember anything anymore because she's old and jokes about it, and numerous other things that make her life enjoyable. She just isn't the grandma that I grew up with anymore and that's just a fact of life now. Honestly, I'm happy that she doesn't understand or know the truth of the situation at hand. She doesn't know that she doesn't understand. She thinks that everything is fine. It's kind of like she has distortion goggles on and she can only see what she wants to see. It's all about perception and reality. Her reality is that she is fine but she just can't remember anything because "she's seventy."
While she doesn't understand that her brutally honest words hurt others, or even what month it is half of the time, we all try our best to love her through it in our own ways. My grandpa cares for her endlessly, day after day, from dealing with an everyday routine to an insane amount doctor visits. My family and I ask her questions and listen to her far-fetched, crazy, tales that she makes up or about her past stories that she enjoys talking about because we know that she just needs people there to be with her- to make her feel cared for. Some of us help her with everyday tasks. It's an on-going, tear-jerking, reality-ignoring, process that I wish upon no one. I know that I am going to miss her when she is no longer here and I try not to linger on that fact. Life is about living. Life is about loving.
love, noun: an intense feeling of deep affection.
Something that has helped me though this process of learning to live with someone who doesn't remember is thinking about God's love for me, and for my grandma, and for every person on the Earth who proclaims His name. He demonstrated His love for us in the most spectacular way, though the death of his son. He is merciful and grace-giving and he is a healer of hearts and minds. I love because He loves me.
1 John 4:19 says that "We love because He first loved us"
So, yeah dementia sucks. There's no way to sugar coat how I feel about it. When someone can't remember something that you wish they could, it isn't fun. I can give you the facts and look up how to prevent it or how to cope with it. But really there's nothing I can really do but pray and love her. Love, however, doesn't suck. It is great. And it is powerful. And can change lives. Who do you spend your time loving?
