With Spring finally upon us, it is time for most men to ditch their dark, boot cut, raw denim Levis and put on a pair of shorts. Every year, men’s fashion seems to introduce us to an assortment (ashortment, if you will) of pastel colored, ever-shrinking in length shorts, and which each addition, they get more and more uncomfortable. I long for the days of baggy JNCO jean shorts, but that is another article. Today, I would like to write about a style of shorts for men that have become the subject of ridicule by Buzzfeed and the like in the last few years. This article of clothing is reviled, and men who chose to dawn it are treated as social lepers, unable to hit on any chicks without laughter at the local Frat party. These shorts are unfairly discriminated against, and someone must stand up, and say something.
I’m talking of course, about cargo shorts.
Cargo shorts, known for their baggy style and their longer length than many of the emasculating straight-cut shorts that are in style now, have been made socially unacceptable primarily through memes and cheap, hurtful jokes. However, the culmination of cargo short hate comes from the BuzzFeed article “Dear Men, Please Stop Wearing Cargo Shorts” by fellow man and traitor to all bros, Pablo Valdivia. Pablo asserts that cargo shorts are a “plague” and that even jean shorts are better than cargo shorts. Jean shorts! This injustice towards multi-pocketed pants must end, and men as an entire gender identity must come together in support of the cargo short. We must not allow cargo shorts to be stigmatized as "The fedora you wear around your waist."
There are many benefits to cargo shorts, the most obvious being tactical storage. I mean, look at how big these pockets are:
That’s big enough to hold at least 2 beers on each leg, and still have room for my phone, chain wallet, vape, and condoms for all the action I’m going to score rocking these cargo shorts!
Cargo shorts show that not only are you serious about fashion, you’re resourceful. Increased storage increases survivability in crisis situations, and that kind of planning and careful thinking is exactly what people look for in a potential mate. Ladies, when you see a guy at the bar wearing cargo shorts, that’s not a loser: That’s a man who will protect you and your potential children. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that by demonizing the cargo shorts, society is negatively selecting against the fittest mates in society, making us a weaker species in general. If Charles Darwin was still alive, he’d be wearing cargo shorts.
Cargo shorts go with everything. Whether it be with a fashionable button up or an ironic superhero t-shirt, cargo shorts should any man’s go to choice of apparel whenever the temperature is above 60 degrees. You know what? Screw that, men should always be wearing some kind of cargo pant, like these ones that zip off at the legs.
I’d definitely bang someone wearing a pair of those babies. (Source)
In summary, men must take back the cargo short. We must rally together and march on the White House, demanding federal regulation on the mandatory ownership of at least two pairs of dark khaki cargo shorts for all persons identifying as male. We must actively fight against the stigma of cargo shorts wearers being virgin nerds who don’t know how to dress themselves. We must take to social media, gain celebrity endorsements, and restore cargo shorts to their rightful place in global culture. I am not exaggerating when I say that this is the most important achievement we can accomplish in the name of Men’s Rights Activism.
For too long we have struggled in silence and allowed “fashion” to dictate out lives. My brothers, I say to you:
LONG LIVE THE CARGO SHORT.
