Hookup culture has been normalized with the development of apps like Tinder, POF, as well as more online dating sites.

Dating, and for me, especially online dating is a huge clusterfuck.

I made a Tinder account after a long, and drawn out break up from a long-term and pretty toxic relationship. I dated M* for a while, casually, but after like 8 months of being “exclusive” but “no labels," I was pretty heartbroken and over it.

Our courtship ended with an explosive *not* break up (since you know, he was not my boyfriend) when M* showed up at my apartment early, planted a good morning kiss on me, and was ready to take me to brunch and I had to tell him he couldn’t come in because I had an overnight guest. Cue sleepless nights, hours of texts, name-calling, and blocking and unblocking each other’s numbers for the next five months. I felt terrible for breaking our unwritten “rule."

I apologized over and over again. I sent him a gift basket of beer with an apology note.

My friends told me to get over it and move on. He didn’t want a relationship with me. He was a narcissist. The sex couldn’t be that good. He called me names and made me cry. I was begging him for another chance and to get back together….but back to what?

He got a new job and I got busier with school and work. I went back to the watering hole of the online dating world and made a new Tinder account. I tried my luck at OkCupid. I went on several terrible dates that went nowhere. I listened to Taylor Swift on repeat and tagged my friends in memes about being a crazy cat lady.

I eventually got over it when a friend went through the same thing with someone.

I realized I was giving her advice and not following my own advice. I blocked M on all my social media, blocked his phone number and moved on with my life. I know what I want out of a relationship based on all the things I know that I for sure DON’T want.

Moving forward now, I want to take things slow.

I’m okay with no labels for a bit, but I know that I don’t want to be crying myself to sleep six months from now. I don’t want to keep doubting my self-worth over some douchey guy not calling me for weeks on end because he went “off the grid” for awhile. I don’t want to have butterflies for someone who doesn’t feel anything for me.

I don’t want to have sex with someone and have them immediately get dressed and leave.

I’m sick of waking up in the morning to a Bridesmaid-esque dialogue of “I thought we agreed on no sleepovers”. I’m sick of going out of my way to get morning coffees and doing cutesie bullshit for people whose only response is not a “Thank you” but instead “This is….. a lot…isn’t it?” It’s not “a lot”. It’s coffee.

I want to date an adult who is capable and comfortable with expressing their feelings and will respect mine enough to not drag me along on some quest for a Holy Grail that I have no hope of ever finding.