As a young twenty-something in modern America, I’ve heard plenty of labels get tossed around. Pimp, whore, slut, player, thot, etc. Out of all these labels, the one I’ve heard used with the most ambiguity is ‘nice guy.’
The nice guy label has been used as a cloak to hide the wounded egos of men. I've also heard it used as a coping mechanism to absolve perceived “injustice” in the world. I know these things are true because not only have I seen them...but I’ve done them before.
In the past when I’ve gotten rejected by a woman I was interested in I would say things like “She’s an idiot for not wanting to go out with me. I’m SUCH a nice guy.”
OR
When I would try to setup one of my boys with a girl I knew, I’d always tell her he is a “really nice guy.”
Which got me thinking: what is this odd correlation between niceness and courtship? Since when did being ‘nice’ give me perceived leverage to score a date? And why is being a pleasant person viewed as some sort of all access pass to making romantic advances with strangers?
I believe the root of this problem can be found in the perception of kind in relation to its benefits.
Ever since we were young we have been conditioned over and over again that generosity should be rewarded. That being nice is the key ingredient to getting what we want. In elementary school, the teacher would put a golden star next to our name every time they saw us help out a classmate. We were always taught to be nice and respectful, so the golden rule can…work in our favor.
If we are nice to people, they will reciprocate the favor and be nice to us; however, all these societal guidelines and dogmas tend to go out the window when…sex is involved.
Not just the act itself but everything leading up to it. Dating is investing your time in someone, so it's natural to carefully select who you engage yourself with.
Now that we know about the fraudulent condition of the modern nice guy, here’s a blueprint of what I hope TRULY NICE GUYS will be in the future:
Truly nice guys won’t equate their acts of kindness to social currency.
You can't just build equity with people in the same way you do with businesses. Humans are notoriously complex creatures so being nice doesn't always add to a perfect sum. Instead, do what you think is right and if you want to help others, great. If not, that's fine too. No one is forcing you to be Mahatma Gandhi.
Truly nice guys do good things out of the kindness of their heart. They don’t have karma or reciprocation in the back of their heads as a motivating factor.
"A bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the bone shared with the dog when you are just as hungry as the dog." - Jack London
Truly nice guys treat everyone with decency and respect.
Respect doesn't mean complete agreement with your colleagues but having a willingness to listen to different perspectives. Also no catcalling, harassing or invading anyone's personal space. There's nothing cool about making people uncomfortable. Allow people to feel safe, and the world becomes a friendlier habitat.
Important Disclaimers
1) Just cause I'm writing this doesn't mean I’m safe from these allegations. I’m not above anything mentioned in this article. I wouldn't even consider myself a truly nice guy since I’ve definitely had my share of hiccups. My life’s not a fashion runway. There's been plenty of imperfections and mistakes, so don’t picture me on my high horse or anything.
2) This isn't meant to be an assault or bashing of men. It’s an honest evaluation of the male species I inhabit.
I want all my dudes out there to remember that when you’re being nice, what are your intentions? Are you doing it because you’re a generous person or is it to serve an agenda you plan on carrying out in the future?
There’s no right or wrong answer. All I want out of people is honest self-evaluation, so that one day if I’m stepping out of line then someone will reciprocate the favor and call me out on it.
I’m not advising that we let people take advantage of our future kindness. All I’m saying is to think twice next time before we label ourselves, or others as a nice guy. There are plenty of other more accurate ways to describe ourselves.
Happy guy, snappy guy, always taking a nappy guy. Mean guy, clean guy, no ice but I'll take the cream guy. Overachiever guy, believer guy, always has a fever guy. Pun guy, fun guy, loves Olivia Munn guy. Shy guy, high guy, loves apple pie guy. Hockey guy, stocky guy, all time favorite movie is Rocky guy. Sad guy, mad guy, way too young be acting like a dad guy. Brat guy, hat guy, kinda looks like his cat guy etc.
From here on out I think it's in everyone's best interest if we strive to be truly nice guys. We won't be perfect the whole way, but hopefully we make strides in bettering ourselves and our communities.
