Over the summer I enrolled in a Death and Dying course that I chose as an elective. I recommend that if you have the chance in your university or community to take it. I haven't faced a personal close death, but the insights and lessons learned over the 8 week course accumulate for preparing when we encounter the loss of a loved one.

I have learned that acknowledging death adds value to life.

~ “In search of my mother’s garden, I found my own” ~ Kamila Kostolna

Every morning, my mom tapes a sign on the sliding doors as she begins to work in her garden reading “Mom is in the garden. Please, do not lock her out; otherwise there will be no dinner”. I wake up and make my way into the kitchen/dining area and laugh reading the sign. It makes me smile seeing it posted each morning. The above quote I mentioned came from my mom, one day I was going through her albums on Facebook and came across her garden album. Before I was going to search through each image, I noticed this quote printed as the caption describing the album title. I read it over and over, until I could memorize it for myself. That statement added value and significance to the things my mom was most passionate about in life. Anyone could read those 10 words and proceed on, but I had a different personal insight when reading it. I knew that message was her acknowledging and finding comfort when her mother passed awhile ago when I was younger in either late elementary or early middle school years. Since I was at a young age when my mom’s mother passed, I wasn’t able to understand. Referring my mom’s mother as “grandma” was slightly weird for me. I only met her a couple of times and she lived in Slovakia. It was difficult to become emotionally attached and build a relationship like others. When my mom traveled to Europe, I remember her describing holding her hand in her final moments in the hospital. I didn’t know how to take in or understand this experience. I couldn’t grasp or find the right emotions to present myself with because I didn’t have that relationship built. I have learned the value my mom shares with our family daily in our lives. Each day she incorporates the things she has learned from her mother in belief we will find the significance of it. Through her passions she adds value for this life she continues. The quote from her album, while she is in search, she is learning new things while creating a balance of previous learned things. Her garden has grown into a beautiful environment, all the hard work and time she puts in; reflects her admiration in finding her own garden. As I start a family later on and begin the search of my mother’s garden, I hope I find my own.

I have learned to accept the uncertainty of the unknown.

I want to share a story of a beautiful relationship demonstrated by an NFL player and at the time learning his 5 year old daughter was diagnosed with cancer. I was watching the 2015 ESPY Awards ceremony sometime last year and the duration of the 8 minute speech given by Devon Still and this influence his daughter Leah has impacted on his life. I cried into tears, this is the most powerful speech given in terms of battling cancer. In honor of Leah, her father gave the acceptance speech when receiving the Jimmy V. Perseverance award. I have learned the strength and weakness this family encountered, while today Leah is cancer-free, this story reflects to accept the uncertainty of the unknown. Devon’s powerful introduction, asked God why he gave his daughter this fight, he would beg him to give him the fight of death instead of his daughter. When they learned the cancer had spread, he describes two options they had; the first was to lose faith and let the battle of cancer get the best of them. The second was to give this battle of cancer a purpose and not give up. Leah at 5 didn’t understand the decisions her father had to make for his baby. He ends his speech about his daughter, “I wanted to show you so much within these 5 years, but you have showed and taught me so much about life in those years.”

I have learned the essence of time influencing the final days.

The movies and documents we watched or read from articles about people suffering from an illness, for many it was cancer, and the battle was an endless fight. The patients are told they have this many months, weeks, or days left to battle. In learning that the condition has spread, doctors deliver the news to the patient and beloved ones around. This is when the moment trying to understand the diagnosis than to discussing a funeral and final requests, it’s a nightmare of fear that each patient has described similarly. I have learned all throughout life that time doesn’t stop, it continues each second of everyday. Of course, anyone can assume that. It was the same patients that found what it meant to live in those final weeks or months in arrival of their deaths.

I have learned that “God’s not dead”.

From the experience of this course and reading the lossographies from my peers, I noticed that in most of the papers, a strong belief for God came at the moment of realization. When things in the past necessarily didn’t make sense about death, as time progressed, we learned the greater significance it had impacted in growing up. When we came to understand the reasons we could relate it to something in a positive behavior. Our book discusses a variety of cultural beliefs in dying and spirituals/rituals performed. Despite the different religious beliefs, we all believed in something. We all experienced death and accepted the existence it has in our lives. Growing up, we didn’t go to church every sunday; and I have never read the bible. It’s not that my parents were against the idea of church, they just found it might be difficult because my mom is catholic and my dad is hindu and they didn’t want us to favor one over the other. I think this is also what made it hard for me to understand how to communicate with those who were or had experienced a death. I didn’t know what the right message was to say. I would see people post prayers from the bible or God’s messages, but I never felt comfortable saying them because I didn’t read the bible or go to church. As I got older, in times of lack of hope or when I wanted to give up, I noticed I automatically would sit in my room and pray to God. I prayed for this hope and faith and just to believe for a good thing to happen. For once, I believed God was listening and found the connection for good to occur. I always think about my life, and how much more I should be doing to make it better. I always wonder if God wants more from me.

I have learned to be selfless

My last lesson learned from this experience is concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than my own. This whole last month, I found myself explaining myself in discussions or papers to my peers trying to justify my emotions and my experiences with death. I was trying to self-justify my own feelings and coming up with reasons for not attending a funeral or being in support of friends during a time of loss. I was selfish, some could conclude, but I also made the point in how I needed to find my own understanding of death. I had to develop my own personal meaning as deaths became more frequent during high school. I find myself blaming my parents for my misfortunes or faults. I know i’m not the only one guilty of this from time to time. At 23, I didn’t want to come back home and live at my parents house for the summer or next 6 months. This is not where I want to be, with the days going by, I learned this is where I need to be. I’ve been away from home the last 5 years, I haven’t acknowledged that my parents are getting older as time is passing by. Both of my parents present selfless personalities and always going out of the way for us three siblings, and others. They came to the United States from two different countries, wanting to provide a better life for their children.