To a Stranger,
As I sat at my desk at work I fell into the pit of self-pity once more.
I have wondered about many things throughout the years. Things such as:
Why do you not want me? What am I lacking in your eyes? How different could things be right now if you hadn't made the decisions you did? Would I have just graduated college on time and now continue to pursue my dream career? If you hadn't shown me how life is with them in it, would I be drinking and doing drugs like you? Have I done everything in life so far to try and prove you wrong? Do I do these things to show you that I am actually worth it? If my own father doesn't love me, how is it even possible for another man to love me?
Today, once again these questions and many more race through my mind at the speed of light. Some days, I feel like I should thank you for giving me the anger, the stubborn mindedness, and the drive to prove you wrong. Then I realized that thanking you would only be condoning your actions. Your actions, which are not acceptable in any possible manner. You chose the easy way out of your problems, leaving me to be forced to grow up too quickly and to act like an adult at a very young age.
I can sometimes see why you turned to drugs and alcohol. Life is f**ing hard! There are many days where I wish I could just feel numb and ignore everything around me. I wish I didn't have to feel the pain of mom's death. Which, by the way, is just another thing you left me to handle alone. Life isn't easy in general! It's definitely not easy when your only family and best friend passes away!
However, there is one thing that you taught me. Numbing my feelings and turning my back on the reality of life won't make it any easier. If anything, it seems to complicate a person's life even more. So alas, I trudge on, through this craziness we call life.
Did you know that when I was little, every time I saw a little girl on her dad's shoulders I would think of you? I'm reminded of everything I dreamed about and imaged as a child. What I thought it would be like to have a dad in my life. However, I think I've finally outgrown those dreams and thoughts. Today, I was reminded that you existed. I know it sounds peculiar, but let me explain.
Today, I received a very interesting phone call from the insurance company. During this brief call, they informed me that it would be wise to designate someone as a beneficiary to my estate. In confusion, I asked why that would be necessary. I no longer had any family left, besides my distant uncles, so either they or the state would gladly takeover my estate. Their next response left me speechless to say the least, "Ma'am, we were under the impression that you still had a parent living." I'm not going to lie, I was so surprised that I had completely forgotten about your existence. At first I felt bad, but then I couldn't help laughing at the irony of the situation. You had forgotten about my existence for the past 23 years and it had taken me this long to finally forget about yours, at least for a short blissful moment. Now all of those irritating feelings have resurfaced after being buried for so long. I softly laughed into the phone, throughly confusing my insurance lady, and politely told her that I would be meeting with her to have some paperwork drawn up in the next few days. I quickly ended the call in hopes to continue my day without you on my mind any longer. However, here I am writing to you, knowing that you will never read this letter.
I think I've finally said all of the things that have ran through my head over the years and it is time to say goodbye to you once more, for another short blissful moment. Don't worry, you'll inevitably cross my mind again. However, I am very happy to go as long as possible without that happening once again. May you find peace and sobriety in this lifetime!
Goodbye Stranger, until next time!
Sincerely,
Another Stranger
