I have always been a person with a lot of anxiety. I can trace the panic attacks I get back to being a child. I remember getting ready for church one Sunday morning when I was about 8 years old and having this feeling that I shouldn’t be here, and that something was wrong. Of course, nothing was, and I was just doing what I was supposed to be doing. This was not an isolated experience. For most of my life I’ve had these panic attacks that, from what I have read, are fairly unique to me.
For me, panic attacks feel like the split second of terror after waking up in an unfamiliar location has been drawn out for much longer periods of time. Everything suddenly gets louder, and I feel unsure of where I am. I look around wondering how I got to be where I am, and feeling so sure that I absolutely should not be here. I feel very small, helpless, and child-like once again. There’s a knot in my stomach, my hands are trembling, and I have to fight the overwhelming urge to run away from this suddenly frighteningly unfamiliar life. The strangest part is that these panic attacks happen when I am doing the most mundane and usual of activities; I’m at work, I’m sitting in my own apartment, or I’m driving to class.
I am aware that for each person who suffers from anxiety, there is a distinctly unique experience. This is why I get so frustrated when I see videos and articles on social media websites describing “What Anxiety Looks Like” or “High-Functioning Anxiety”. These videos and articles get shared time and time again, and on some level it makes me happy to see so many people relating to these posts. Anything that helps reduce the stigma against mental health is such a good thing. These things can also make people who have lived their whole lives in an overly-anxious state realize that they don’t need to feel this way.
However, I feel that these posts also pose a certain threat to those that may be suffering from anxiety. Like I said before, everyone’s experience with anxiety — or mental illness in general — is specifically unique to them. Even in the DSM-5 criteria for Generalized Anxiety Disorder, there is so much variation, and attempting to fit anyone’s mental illness into a box can make someone feel like they’re not “sick enough” to get help for themselves. This is something that I have struggled with in the past, and here again lately. If you tell me that “high-functioning anxiety” looks like perfectionism and organization, then I definitely don’t have that. If you tell me that panic attacks should be hyperventilation and tears, well then, that’s not me either. So where do I fit in?
The answer is simple — I don’t “fit in” anywhere, and I shouldn’t feel the need to. Anxiety wears many different faces, and we each have our own personal demons. I just wish social media would stop telling me that how I feel my own anxiety is wrong.
If you think that you are suffering from anxiety, or any other mental illness, I implore you to please find someone to talk to about it. Ask your doctor, talk to a friend, call a counselor, do whatever feels right for you. Please do not let social media tell you that you are not sick enough or that your symptoms are wrong. We are all unique and so are our struggles. This fact does NOT make one person more deserving of help than another.
