It's taken me awhile to write this, because writing this is so damn hard. Even though it shouldn't be. It should be easy. It should be something I could whip up fast. But it's not. Because for the longest time, I didn't know how to love you. So I ignored you.
I ignored when you asked for food, because I only saw "the fat girl" in the mirror. I ignored you when you needed a doctor. Because I thought I just needed to "toughen up". And I ignored you when you were crying out as I was having panic attacks, and drinking and smoking to just fucking stop. I deprived you of water more times than I can even count. I also let people use you. In more ways than one, because I didn't know what love was.
I'm now here to say I'm sorry and I love you. I am so sorry for abusing you in the way that I did. You didn't ask for any of it. I just did it because I felt so worthless. I didn't feel like I had a reason to live, or felt like anyone needed me. Selfish I know. But my brain spoke words louder than love. And I listened. And I'm so, so sorry.
You are so perfect the way you are. God made you from scratch and created my soul in the process. God made your curves, your edges, and every beautiful feature I have, to make me unique. I love the freckles that appear on my face during the summertime, because I spend all my time outside. I love how my hair gets lighter and my eyes turn bluer. I love the curves you gave me because it's an hourglass, and that for some reason makes me so happy.
As I look in the mirror, I choose now to replace all those negative thoughts with positive ones. You ARE beautiful. You ARE wonderful. You ARE confident. You ARE sexy. Your place on this earth has a purpose and on days you don't want to believe it, own that shit honey.
Allow yourself to open up, to live, to feel. Don’t hide away, and by all means, don’t let the bipolar disorder and the depression and anxiety define who you are. Because it isn’t. Just like the past, that doesn’t define you, only makes you a stronger person in the end.
Don’t push the ones who love and support you the most, away. They love the fuck out of you regardless of how dark and twisty you are. We all have a dark side darling, and the people who stay during times of trial, are the ones to keep in your life. They want to see you succeed. They want to see you feeling good and taking care of YOU. They will piss you off to no end (especially when you’re choosing to do something stupid like not eat) because they care.
And self, one more thing, anytime you're not feeling like you're worth it, refer back to this article because you ARE worth it. You have a purpose on this earth and you deserve to fulfill that purpose. Don't ever let anyone bring you down about having issues, because it's okay not to be okay.
I love you so much,