Remember me? The daughter that you had, that you gave up on? Of course, you don’t. I’ve been fighting anger, guilt, sadness, and self-doubt over the years because of you. From when I was little when you told me that you couldn’t make it out to see me almost every week to when I graduated high school and you didn’t show up.
For many years I couldn’t trust anyone around me to build a solid relationship with. I constantly doubted my partners, friends, and whoever else came into my life. You created those scars for me. Constantly lying to me about being “busy” with work, when in reality you just didn’t want to come see me. I remember when I was constantly begging you to come to my softball games and every year you told me you didn’t know when they were. It hurt me to know that my own father couldn’t come to my softball game to come support me. There was a time where I blamed myself for you not coming to my games. I would tell myself I didn’t give him enough notice, or the weather was bad out I should’ve know. You would always remind me of how my mother “brain-washed” me, she wasn’t a good mom to me. But in the end, you couldn’t be a parent to me.
You used me as a trophy. There were countless times we would go out to dinner, to the mall, to the movies, wherever and you would use me to pick up girls. The amount of fake smiles and fake giggles I had to create just so you could get what you wanted was exhausting. But when you decided to settle down for a little bit, I was nonexistent to you. I would try to call, but there was no answer. I would try to visit you but you were never home. Until she left the picture, you came back into my life. You never stayed for an extended period of time. You always left as you pleased and when you came back you picked up your old ways.
For many years, our relationship was a constant roller-coaster. Some days you were my father, but majority you were my biggest critic. You always told me what I did wrong, how ‘disrespectful ‘I was and you never focused on the good. I could never talk to you about what was bothering me because you would say I was crazy and it wasn’t true. In turn, that made me blamed myself. I felt that I was inadequate for you, which made me feel inadequate in other aspects of my life. I struggled with depression because I did not feel worthy enough for anyone.
Recently, I discovered that the pain and suffering to keep in touch isn’t worth it. I’ve found acceptance. I made it through high school and graduated with honors without you. I made it into my dream school without you. I’m now happy without having to feel any sadness with you not being around.
