To The Child of an Addict,

You are not to blame for this. You are not responsible. You are not the reason he did this. There was nothing you could have done.

You are strong. You are worthy. You are loved.

I know you’ve been taking care of him. I know you’ve been talking to her about bills, listening to her problems, and helping to raise your siblings. You’ve watched her cry for hours, sit at the kitchen table and try to figure out how to make her check last, scream at him, push him away. You’ve watched him drink himself to sleep. You’ve come home to see him passed out, hopefully in-house this time so no one would know. You’ve gone to school with a migraine and sore throat, smiling so no one would know you’ve stayed up all night talking to her and screaming at him. You’ve forgotten about assignments, failed a semester or two, listened to your teachers tell you that you need to be more focused. You’ve made up excuses to not go out or see your friends because you have to take care of him, and your family. You didn’t tell anyone. You pushed everyone away, even your closest friends. You’ve shielded your youngest sibling, not even ten years old, away from it all. You’ve held it all in. You keep smiling, even when there’s nothing to smile about. You stay positive. You carry the weight of the world. You keep going on and don’t stop.

But I’m telling you, s t o p.

Stop yelling at him every night. Stop letting it take over. Stop holding it all in. Stop smiling when you need to cry. Stop saying “nothing, I’m fine.” Just stop. You aren’t fine, and that’s okay. You’re a child helping to raise your siblings, becoming the partner and taking care of the one who's supposed to be the partner. You’re broken. But, you are strong.

You deserve the world. You deserve to hang out with your friends. You deserve to feel important. You deserve to want to come home. You deserve to want to talk to your parents. You deserve to smile, genuinely. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to go to your sophomore homecoming and be excited. You deserve to go to the county fair with your friends. You’re broken. But, you are worthy.

She never intended this to happen. She never wanted you to have a life like this. She never wanted you to see this side of people, especially him. He was your best friend. He protected you. He was the only man in your life you thought you could trust with anything. He was the man who chased you around the house to tickle you. He introduced you to go-karts, mud pies, bugs, frogs, tubing, camping--life. He showed you the simple things in life, and that was all you needed. He danced with you at weddings, he treated your mom like a queen, he made you laugh when you wanted to cry, he listened to your thoughts and opinions, he had deep conversations with you. He loved you like no other man could. You are loved.

That man is still there. Don’t turn your back on him. He’s buried deep inside, where no one can find him. He knows he messed up. He’s been screaming inside trying to find his way out of this mess, but he can’t. And because you scream at him, he gave up. He’s lost. He’s depressed. He gets on track, and he messes up again. He can’t stop thinking about it, and that’s what messes him up. Everything he’s ever been through, been hurt by, cried about as a child, is coming to the surface. He feels defeated. He feels unworthy. He doesn’t feel good enough. He feels unneeded. He feels like a disgrace. He’s b r o k e n.

You’re never going to get over it until you forgive the person in your life who has caused you this pain. Do it for yourself, if not for them. They need to hear it just as much as you need to do it. They love you, they’re just broken and lost. You’re going to come across things your whole life that are going to remind you of these hurtful times; if you don’t forgive and address it, I promise you that one day when something happens or you smell a certain scent, it’s all going to come up and you’re going to fall on the ground and cry for hours. I know because this happened to me about a year and a half after the fact. But the good news, is it gets easier. Especially because one day you’re going to look at him again and feel so proud of where he is, and feel so much love and respect for him. Much greater than you had before. And the relationship is going to be unbreakable. I promise you.

Sincerely,

Someone Who Understands