Dear Anxiety,
I first met you when I was 14.
You were that distant figure in the back of the room that I always noticed but never paid mind to. You never spoke, in fact, you were mute. But when you wanted to be heard, you shook everything in the room like an earthquake. That's the thing... you only made yourself known when you felt attacked or isolated. Why couldn't you just find friends? Why did you have to make a scene when things went wrong? You could have been bright and friendly, but you chose to be sinister. I wonder who hurt you...
I let you in when I was 16.
You became so powerful yet humble at the same time that it was easy to allow you to share half of me. But, you abused that privilege. Your intentions weren't pure. You brought your earthquake to my core. You started to see through my eyes, take control of my brain and my heart. I never wanted you to control me like that, I never asked you to instill a fear and insecurity in me that I couldn't overcome.
I demanded you to back off and find someone else to shadow but you were not leaving anytime soon, and you made that very clear. I remember when I started a new high school and was waiting for the bus... you made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't breathe, and you punched me in the gut. And when I was excited to perform my first song for a crowd, you made me cry and shake. You even made me hurt the ones I loved most. Why did you do that? I just wanted to start over and be normal and optimistic but you had other plans. It felt like you tried to ruin my life because you couldn't confront the demon that was hunting you.
I cast you out when I was 19.
I got tired of the sweats, the nerves, the nausea, the feeling of passing out every time I stepped outside my door. You even kept me from following my passions. You broke the camels back when I had to present in my English class and failed to speak simple words in front of just 10 people, and dropped to the floor. I never felt so defeated by you. I had to make a change. I wanted my life back, and so I did. Every day I worked on ways to dim your light and fight for my freedom. When I walked in the halls or when all eyes were on me I didn't put my head down and shake anymore, I stood tall and embraced my confidence. It was damn hard but it was damn worth it.
I hope you found yourself.
All you ever wanted was a friend but you never knew how to go about it the correct way. I feel so sorry for you. You relied on darkness and fear and drove me to insanity. You made me contemplate my worth far too many times. I'm sad to see you go but I loved to watch you leave. I hope your next victim is strong and wise enough to keep a lock on their heart when you come knocking on their door. Goodbye Anxiety.
Sincerely,
The Brave
