Growing up, I was the ugly duckling. I never brushed my hair and I had Timmy Turner beaver teeth until I got my braces in 5th grade. I swam for a short period and I was one of the few kids who didn’t mind the smell of chlorine so I didn’t take the post-shower and let the smell stay on me all day. My outfit of choice was primarily chosen from my collection of baggy t-shirts and cargo shorts. Yes, I looked like the son my parents never had. I was also mistaken for a “sir” way too many times.

Eventually, when I started 7^th grade I started choosing more feminine clothes but I still didn’t feel like I was “attractive-looking”. I started wearing more dresses and doing more with my hair, but I was always conservative. The first crop top I bought was purchased when I turned eighteen and was worn with high-waisted jeans so you couldn’t even tell it’s a crop top. It wasn’t that scandalous but it was a milestone for me. I also started working more towards my goals. I pushed to join more clubs and activities. I volunteered with groups for recommendation letters and I got my first official job in 11^th grade at a movie theater.

It wasn’t until my senior year of high school that I realized that I was different than I was years ago. I realized that people were starting to think I looked pretty and were giving me more attention than years ago. Guys, especially older men, would slip me their phone numbers and tell me how pretty my eyes were while glimpsing at my left hand for a ring. I also noticed that the harder I worked the more spiteful some people could be. I had people lie and claim that I was this Regina George character who would pick on them. Majority of these people I barely spoke to and when I chose to speak them it would mostly be met with rude retorts. I even had a manager at a job personally pull me aside and inform me that the girls in the store thought I was “too friendly and relaxed” and that they found it threatening and that I should watch myself and act differently.

As an introvert, I hated and still continue to dislike attention. I hated talking about myself. I never wanted to put myself in the spotlight even amongst friends. I never wanted to make it sound like I was complaining about being “pretty” and sound like one of those self-centered people. When I started having more and more problems along with other issues in my life, I went to visit a counselor. Finally, I got the answer as to why people were spiteful. “It’s jealousy,” she said. “You’re attractive and working to be successful and people find that threatening. Same thing happened to my daughter!”

I started to mentally realize that I could use being different to my advantage. When I started college, I had an exact plan of what I wanted in life and how I planned on getting there. In my introductions to class, I talked about how I was going to university to get the internship I wanted so I could work in New York and get an apartment because I hate houses and the idea of cutting grass in a suburban, little family neighborhood makes me want to be sick. People were stupefied at the idea that I already had a picture for myself at such a young age and that I went out of my way with my work. More people wanted to work with me and I learned the benefits of networking. I used my charm to get the best out of my jobs and get an internship my freshman year. It was unheard of with my friends that I had the guts to leave my garbage jobs behind and work towards something greater.

To everyone on the outside, you would think that having all this would’ve made me feel confident and good inside, but it didn’t. Social media and the beautiful women I saw on the streets made me feel like I was worthless. I followed so many Instagram models who looked nothing like they do in real life. I looked at them and constantly compared them to me. I wanted to know where these women were getting their clothes and how they looked so flawless without effort. I went from the girl that only wore mascara and foundation to a girl that wanted to know about concealer, highlighter, brow-definer, and the whole shebang. I wanted to be the girl with her life together and her dream job. I wanted my own apartment desperately and I wanted to be free to start my own life.

I finally felt the jealousy that others had against me. It was a cruel mistress, indeed. It was illogical and this dark voice in my head that told me that I wasn’t good enough for anyone or anything. The voice tried to convince me that my friends were not really my friends and were going to abandon me. It also tried to convince me that the men I loved were only using me for amusement and that they would leave me too. Even lies that I would never get a job and I would never be able to get myself out the hole I put myself in. The voice caused me so much turmoil and strained so many of my relationships.

Eventually, I have come to this point where I have learned to accept myself. I find peace through my humor and my sarcasm. I stopped following all the Instagram models that are probably photoshopping everything. I go on dates and look for the best in them and not the flaws the voice is warning me about. I ignore bullying from those suffering from jealousy in life. I don’t want jealousy to affect me anymore. I want to be the best and see good in people and wish them the best. I want to build up others instead of tearing them down and I want to set an example.

Jealousy can be ugly but it is a part of human nature. What we do with it is what defines us. There is so much hate out there and we should be focusing on the love. I’m a flawed human just like everyone else and there’s reason to be jealous of any aspect of me. It is the same for me towards other people. I do not want to come off as narcissistic but jealousy can really tear apart people and it’s self-destructive to keep inside. It builds up doubt and self-hating. More and more of future generations are going to feel pressured because they do not look like or have a certain lifestyle of another. Please go out and be kind and see the best in people and in yourself. Choose to support them and not promote tearing individuals down!