Some days are fine, some days are great and some days suck. My mind tosses back and forth from “Wow you’re doing awesome” to “What the hell did you do that for?” People’s words tend to be left like residue on my skin. Their stress, their problems, I start to take on as my own. But why am I taking on their issues when I am already consumed by my own?
I hate to admit it to myself because I don’t want to be categorized by, “Oh come on you’re just saying that for attention.” I hate to admit it to myself because then it’s real. I hate to admit to myself that yeah, I do struggle with anxiety. Every day is different. And for the past few months, I’ve been totally fine and I’ve felt good. But that’s the thing. My anxiety comes in phases. I keep telling myself not to let myself fall again, but sometimes it just seems so much easier to fall then keep fighting for this thing called “happiness.”
I couldn’t count how often I get things like:
“How are you so happy all the time?”
“You’re always so smiley.”
“You’re so positive.”
And I try to be. But what they don’t know is that I am struggling on the inside. I am struggling to put a smile on my face when I don’t even understand why I feel this way.
And that’s what it is so annoying about this mental health thing. I have no reason to shake in social situations, I have no reason to be stressed about life, I have no reason to fall into a negative place because my life is so good. And that’s what keeps me going, I have the best friends, I have an amazing family, I’m getting a college education, and I am really lucky to be alive. Every day I try to be as grateful as I can be for my life because my life is pretty awesome. I love who I am and I love my journey, but sometimes I do fall so I pick myself up.
Sometimes I hurt, sometimes I feel like crap, but other times I feel awesome and I feel content with where I am at. So I let myself feel the pain because I know it’s only temporary. I keep reminding myself to listen to my body, to listen to my emotions, to not shut them out. Because shutting it out makes it feel so much worse. I finally let myself feel the fear and I do it anyway.
I refuse to let my anxiety control my life. And that’s my best advice for you if you’re dealing with the same thing. Feel it all and let it go. Let it go because this is it. This is your life. When I stopped living in the past and stopped worrying about the future, doors suddenly opened. It’s a day by day process, but it’s an amazing feeling to look back and see how far I've come. Focus on the good. Focus on the now. Focus on yourself. Be grateful and fight like hell because you deserve your happiness.