We live in a world where homophobia has poisoned the minds of many individuals. It has become the “issue” that ruins relationships and lives. I have been involved in two serious relationships with Black men who were afraid and ignorant to the acceptance of a gay man.
During my current relationship, my boyfriend has expressed his fear of having a gay son. It baffled me to hear not only the deep-rooted homophobia, but the lack of understanding when it came to accepting his future child as they are. I could not understand why the life his child chooses to live would affect his love and the views that he would have of them. It bothered me because Black male oppression takes no vacation, and homophobia adds to the judgment of your own people because of who you love. Dating a Black man that fears having a gay child is like dating a Black man that doesn’t believe racism exists. I could not understand how my boyfriend could experience judgment and ignorance because of his race, but would consciously spread that same treatment to his own child. It is like listening to a man strip a young boy of his identity before he could even form one.
What is worse is that this lack of acceptance would come from his father, the man that is supposed to protect and build him up. I do believe homophobia is stitched into a vast amount of the Black male society because it is believed that homosexuality somehow strips away the definition of what it means to be a man. As a Black woman, I try to share some of my thoughts with these men in hopes of saving the sanity of that future child. I listen to their complaints and fears and simply express the love that should be given no matter what, or the need to try to understand something that does not seem “normal” to them. I try to explain that it is simply not fair to fear something that is out of anyone’s control.
It is heartbreaking to date a man that will not let down that wall of ignorance to see how much it will affect his son, if he is gay. To be in a relationship with a man that fears having a gay son is hard, because it creates the idea that someone that you love will not love the child you have together the way you do, or go to the lengths you would go for that child. It becomes hard when you realize that something that does not bother you about human experience bothers the one you love.
It is not a conversation that is occurs very often in a relationship, but with the growing population of gay individuals, I think it is important to know the views that the person you are dating has on the subject. For me, it has opened my eyes to the issue of dating a Black man with that fear; it has pushed me to be a Black woman that speaks up for the unborn gay children and to be with someone that will love and adore that child just as much as I do, no matter what.
