I have to admit I am still getting used to saying that he is gone. Little things like filling out job applications and only filling in one parent’s information still tear at my heart a little. I still find myself using the present tense when he comes up in conversation. I catch myself not being used to using the word parent as a singular entity. It makes it somehow more tolerable to define it as the new normal, but it isn’t quite normal yet. Today I am writing to all the young women out there that are in a similar position, or might be preparing to be in this position, to share what I go through so that they can know that yeah, it’s going to be ok.

1. Don’t let your loss define you.

This was advice given to me by an amazing counselor that got me through the fall after my dad passed away. Trust me it is something that I have to work on every day. It is easy to fall into the trap of pity and attribute all the negativity you experience from your peers to them not understanding your situation. In the end, loss like this is something that truly cannot be understood until it is experienced. Be patient and know that not everyone can fully understand this new normal that you live in.

2. Don’t expect your mom to fill his place.

f your family is anything like mine, your brothers, sisters, mom and dad all have an identity that makes the unit work. In mine, my mom is the steady captain of the vessel that can get us through anything. Nothing phases her. My dad, on the other hand, was the emotional and nostalgic one that wore his heart on his sleeve. My mom only uses her phone for business where as my dad loved nothing more than to chat all day about anything and everything. I found myself expecting my mom to fill that role. In the end, she was missing that person too and the sooner we realized our shared loss, the closer we became. Even your own family needs time to process what it means to be missing the man of the house. Remember that they all lost someone, too.

3. It is ok to be a little lost because the main man in your life is gone.

This is something that I never really realized I would feel until I got back into my normal schedule of life again. Being a single woman at a university is a constant battle of heart and hormones, and one day you will realize that having your dad in your life can always be your consolation for every boy that breaks your heart. In the end, your dad was the first man that ever loved you. That man being gone can sometimes cause you to spiral and feel unbalanced. This feeling is ok. Your dad still thinks you are the epitome of perfection whether he is with you or not.

4. Don’t apologize for bringing him up.

I like to think that when I let myself talk about my dad, it brings him back to life for a little while. He was my inspiration for my career choices and my role model, so why shouldn’t I talk about him? When you make him feel more present it only makes those around you more comfortable and it creates a space of happy memory rather than a cloud of awkward guilt. I have to say getting used to bringing him up in conversation has been so strange. I used to be afraid to mention him because if someone were to ask about him now I would have to explain that he passed away. Rather than see that as an awkward situation to be avoided, I now look at it as an opportunity to share my journey of dealing with his loss.

5. Spend time with him.

Soon after my dad passed away I found myself fearing the things that stirred memories with him--the greatest hits of Earth Wind and Fire, the smell of the latex exam gloves he wore in his office, the smell of bacon cooking in the morning. I have found that by embracing these things, while running the risk of crying in a way no person could find attractive, brings him back for a while. Soon the ugly cry becomes a smile between the sobs. Once I allowed myself to embrace these memories with my family near me it was like we were whole for a little while. Never be afraid to relive what once made you so happy.

6. Grow from this experience.

At first, I saw losing a parent as this horrible cross to bear that would always drag me down. It was only when I saw it as something that made me unique that I began to draw positives from it. I now feel like I can be a resource for people going through similar types of loss so that they can know it will be ok one day. I live my life in the hopes that the way I am living keeps my dad and his wonderful outlook here today. I also take my experience as proof that I can handle a whole lot more than I thought I could, and you should take that away from this too. I am not a super hero. I am a stressed college student in a world of uncertainty just like you. If I can do this, you can too.