On August 17th, 2015 I received a facebook message from my mother containing the words “I love you.” I didn’t think much of it at the time, so naturally I responded the way any decent son would and said, “I love you, too.” Little did I know she attempted to end her life that night.
Her unsuccessful attempt only lead to another, but yet again she failed. She failed because there were people in her life who loved her. There were people in her life who cared for her in every way. And it was because I love my mother that I decided it was best to cut ties with her.
I have been called many things for my decision to end communication with my mom. Among all of them, the one that has stuck with me has been “selfish.” I have been known to be a selfish person, often times only thinking of myself. In the past few years I have been communicating with my mother, that hasn’t been the case. I took her to doctor’s appointments, drove over thirty miles to visit her for a few hours, I even helped her move out of her apartment.
Sure, these are all characteristics of a good son, but our relationship hasn’t always been the greatest. My past isn’t something I like to go into very often, but it was necessary to make my decision. It was after long deliberation that I decided my choice was not selfish, it was made out of love... and it hurt.
My mother, the woman who clothed me, fed me, and cared for me for the majority of my life fully intended to go on like nothing even happened. She tried to talk to me over Facebook, texts, even calls. I ignored them all. I was in pain, and I wasn’t ready to talk to her. My decision to give her the cold shoulder wasn’t the selfish part in all of this, her choice to leave her son in the dark for the rest of his life was.
An, “I love you,” does not suffice as final words to someone. The weren’t the last words I saw on my phone from her, anyway. The words I did see, however, were not what I was expecting. I didn’t hope to see her act like nothing occurred. Like she didn’t try to overdose. It was far too early for me to grow up, and it was too late for her to say sorry.
I beat myself up a lot over the fact that I was ignoring a woman who so desperately needed help, but I needed to remember that it was okay for me to need help, too. If I was going to help fix anyone, I needed to be in a secure place to do it. Over the past year I have been dealing with various forms of anxiety, and doing it all with a smile on my face. I have been slowly trying to deal with my own problems, and that’s okay.
A few nights ago my mom texted me saying she wanted me to come over and talk if I was ready. I told her that she made her adult decision, and now I’m making mine. I’m not ready to open up that chapter in my life. I may never be ready... and that’s okay.
The message I want to convey to the world, to my community, my friends, even to one stranger on the internet is: it’s okay to take some time to fix yourself. If that involves cutting ties with someone you love, then so be it. Your life is about you, and it’s necessary to be a bit “selfish” at times. Sometimes it hurts someone you love, and sometimes it hurts you.
