Part of me knew that this day was going to come a long time ago, but I always tried telling myself that it wouldn't. You may think this is directed towards you...and I guess if you think that then it must be true. That's all up to you.
To be honest, I wasn't the one that let you go. You're the one that threw me away. Either way, within a matter of days, we were both cut out of each other's lives and somehow the pictures, memories and love just faded away.
To the toxic people in my life who continually devalue me, this is for you.
I knew in the back of my mind that no matter what I wore, who I was friends with or how I did in school, you'd be there to remind me that it wasn't good enough. The standards you set for me felt impossible for me to reach and I took it as a sign that I wasn't good enough for you.
It's easy for me to go onto social media and see posts talking about cutting people off and letting them go, but it's never that easy. There's always something there to remind me of you. Whether it be a t-shirt, a picture or an old text message, you're always there. Part of me believes that parts of you will always find their way into my brain.
I spent most of my life working to be good enough for you to accept me. I dyed my hair as much as I could to be acceptable for you. I starved myself to be skinny enough for you. I changed my major, lied about my grades and tried seeming successful for you. But no matter what I did, there was always a comment waiting for me that you weren't satisfied enough.
After awhile this transferred into my own mind. Your voice finds its way into my ears and seeps into my soul where I proceed to tell myself how bad I am of a person because of how many times you told me.
The part that hurt the most was your constant jokes about my mental health. You continuously made fun of me for not calling or answering texts but what you didn't understand is that I was struggling to stay alive on those days. You made fun of my declining grades but failed to understand that I couldn't get out of bed to get to class.
You made fun of me going to therapy and even said many times that my counselor was useless because I was a lost cause and it was only a matter of time before she realized it.
With all of this put together and with our lives going different directions now, I can only be thankful that it didn't last longer than it did. Without you in my life, I can't help but be sad a lot of the time but when I truly think about it, I have to be thankful that it's over.
Sadly, you were the one anchor holding me down and now I am just free-floating around waiting for another anchor to come and hold me down. You have no idea the pain you caused by treating me the way that you did. Sometimes I wonder why I let it keep going on and I'm reminded that I needed just one thing to be connected to. I never should've settled for you.
At least now I know what I don't deserve and I can actually use the experiences you've put me through to move forward. Thank you for contributing to the greatness that will occur without you weighing me down.
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