For a long time, I thought that being a good friend meant standing by a person no matter how they treated you.

I have always considered myself a fiercely loyal person, and my understanding of loyalty was that you support, love, and care for the people close to you— even if they refuse to do the same for you. More than once, this meant that I ended up in friendships that were physically or emotionally abusive. Abuse generally isn’t discussed in a platonic context, but I think it’s more common than we care to admit. Strong friendships tend to be powerfully emotionally charged, and in any relationship of that nature there are opportunities for people to take advantage of others who are too kind, too averse to conflict, too willing to forgive and to forget.

That’s how I ended up with a friend who would leave me with bruises when she didn’t get her way. One year during summer camp in high school, a group of friends made a joke out of telling me to kill myself over and over again. Perhaps the most striking example was a closeted bigot who literally stalked me when I attempted to cut him off.

One of the things I wanted to learn during my time in college was how to be more assertive about what I needed in relationships. I’m still trying to figure it out, but one of the first things I discovered was that a friendship truly has to be mutual in order to succeed. When one person is more invested, more dedicated, or simply more willing to tolerate someone else’s abuse, the relationship simply isn’t fair to them. There will be times, of course, that one friend might need more support than another, or be less capable of investing their time or spirit into a friendship. This does not make them a bad friend, it just makes them human.

What does make a bad friend is being willing to repeatedly take advantage of a friend’s kindness for no reason other than convenience, malice, or a desire to control a situation. Giving advice is different from trying to dictate someone’s behavior. Having a disagreement is different from demeaning or belittling your friend’s personality or accomplishments. And, as with any relationship, physical violence against a friend is never, ever acceptable.

Loyalty, I think I have discovered, does not mean standing by your friends no matter what they do. It means finding someone who cares for you as much as you care for them and being willing to stand together, no matter what life throws at you.

This lesson has improved my life to a shocking degree, when coupled with developing the courage to remove toxic people from my life as it became evident that being a genuine friend (or even a decent human being) was low on their list of priorities. It certainly isn’t easy, particularly if you dislike conflict or if you, like me, have rarely had to practice cutting people off before. But the rewards are striking.

This past week was one of the worst of my life. A personal conflict took me by surprise, and for a while I believed that one of the most important people in my life was no longer going to be a part of it. Crushed doesn’t even begin to describe my emotional state. I was at a loss.

So I did the only thing I could think to do, which was turn to my friends: amazing people who, over the past three years, have become my family. I reached out for help— which, as some of you may know, is no easy thing for me— and they were there to console me and help me shoulder the burden of what I was going through. Being willing to let go of unhealthy friendships means that I am now surrounded exclusively by good ones, by phenomenal people who love me for who I am and are ready to stand by me whenever I need them. They are patient, and passionate, and understanding, and so remarkably kind. They are the family that I dreamed of finding when I set out for a new home at university.

I cannot encourage you enough to find the people in your life who are ready to stand beside you and hold on to them with everything you have. As for the ones who will leave you standing on your own, try to find the strength inside of you to let them go. For my part, I hope that my friends realize how incredibly much they mean to me, how grateful I am for all that they are, and that if they ever need me, I am always ready to stand together.