In this season of newness and anxiety and change, I'm realizing a few things about myself. While I may not be fearless, fear does not determine my actions, and I'm quite capable of asking for what I need. I never knew before that I could push through frequent anxiety. While a lot has improved in my confidence and in my job--I have to admit I wake up most days feeling not ready. I wake up most days and wonder why I'm doing this. It isn't all misery, many days once I'm actually in my tutoring session, planning lessons, or just shooting the breeze with my co-workers I am reminded of the joy in my job. I want to share with you my current journey of anxiety and better expressing my needs.

This is a weird time for me; most people know I hate asking for help and in all discretion, some people aren't even fully aware of what I'm going through right now. I never lie, but I'm never quick to share either. I'm learning, though, I promise. I'm so grateful right now for the people in my life I can be real with, even if it's as simple as not pretending that I'm happy.

One of my biggest things is I like to feel the correct feelings (I know, I know), so people who I feel safe being myself around are keepers. It's freeing just having people in my life I can say, "Even though I think that this job should be fun and awesome for me, it's not. I find it hard and exhausting and often eclipse the good with the little bits of hardship." And things are improving, but it's slow work and a lot of learning to be patient with myself, a lot of pushing past my anxiety, and much looking beyond my own circumstances to really encourage and find the good in these teens.

Expressing my needs has looked like a number of things: texting my husband and explicitly asking him to encourage or pray for me and making an effort to stay connected with friends and make actual real life plans with them. Things from checking in with my supervisor or co-workers when I'm feeling like I just can't do another hour or authentically talking about my day with people around me. And sometimes simply asking people to pray for me.

There is still so much I could be doing, I know exercising is a huge one. Slowly day by day I find more things to balance myself. The consistency and obligation of creating content weekly for Odyssey has been surprisingly helpful. Especially since when I'm stressed doing things I love is one of the first things I drop, but I make sure to spend time reading on my bus ride every day as well as weekly I set aside time to write.

I know right now I'm handling my anxiety imperfectly, but I write this to encourage those of you who are also in the throes right now. First of all, this isn't my first bout with anxiety, so I know this is true, it won't last forever. For some, it means you'll recognize you need to get something out of your life (a crazy job, a major you no longer find joy in, a toxic relationship). For others, you'll realize it's something good, like a great class that has a heavy workload and you just need to develop healthier practices like exercise and hobbies.

Second of all ask for what you need; I don't care how it makes you feel if you need a friend to encourage and pray for you ask them. If you need someone to tell you out loud that "it's going to be okay," don't be ashamed to ask for it. If you need a good cry, do it. If you need a hug and vent session, let it be known. Anxiety is awful enough; it shouldn't be yours alone to bear.

Third take care of yourself. I'm not the best example, but do things you love. Do things that are good for you, get some sleep, eat well, exercise. If you love to cook, dance, sing, or wrap presents continue to do those things. If you need to go to counseling make an appointment and go (I especially recommend this while you're in college, mental health services on campus are often free or inexpensive; take advantage of what your school offers you). Everyday I spend some time in prayer, everyday I get cuddles from my husband and my kitten (I admit I'm not sure which I enjoy more).

Take it all one day at a time and in the times you can, focus on what's going on around you and really soak it in. I know that despite my anxiety at the end of the day I like my job, I work with good people and that these teens are not a problem. I'm not sure if teaching is for me, but I do know that this anxiety will end. I do know that I will continue to build confidence. It isn't always the case sometimes it's a really big sign that something needs to change, only you can know. Let's all be kind and gentle to ourselves and express our needs.

You got this.

I got this.

We've got this.