The other day I was reading an article in the New Yorker by Rivka Galchen about solutions to obesity. In it, Galchen quotes a blog
by woman named Lisa: “Once the fat is gone, your real problem is no longer masked — they’re out in the open and you have to deal with them. If you’ve always thought skinniness was the cure-all, it can be quite a slap in the face when you get there and find out your problems followed you.”Lisa’s revelation sounded, to me, like an echo of comments I’ve heard from people in recovery, who realize that their addiction wasn’t the problem, but instead a problem that had masked all their other problems. As they go through recovery, they’re faced with the reality that life is really fucking hard even with clean living.
We all do this, though. We expect one or two major life changes to solve all of our problems. We move, or get a new job, or find a new boyfriend. We pay back our credit card debt, or start going to therapy. We start an exercise routine and do whole 30. We drink more water and commit to a regular sleep schedule. We meal plan. We reprioritize our lives. And we expect a return on these changes.
But the truth is, as we start to make these positive life changes, our problems don’t by any means disappear. A few of them do, sure. But most of our “problems” are just external manifestations of our own internal hang-ups, and so they seem to follow us everywhere, positive life changes be damned.
The thought that my problems will keep following me around even when I'm doing the "right" thing depresses me greatly. For example, my car got towed recently (a very expensive ordeal) and in response, I decided I ought to get all my car stuff in order to minimize my risk of experiencing any future expensive car ordeals. I start doing little things, like updating my address on my car insurance... but BAM! my premium goes up $100 a month. I couldn’t believe it — what’s the point of getting my shit in order if I’m still going to be slammed with unexpected expenses that I really can't afford? What's the point in trying to do the "right" thing if my problems are still following just a step behind?
I’ve been sleeping like a normal human being, but I’m still stressed out and exhausted all the time. I’m well-planned for the school year, but I’m still always five steps behind once the week gets started. I’m living a much healthier lifestyle with much healthier relationships, but I still end up feeling like crap about myself more frequently than feels good. So why keep trying?
Part of me just wants to say "fuck it." Embrace your addiction or whatever other unhealthy habits you’ve got — clean living and healthy choices don’t make life easier, so what's the point?
But I also realize that because I’ve been doing these things — sleeping, planning, working out, cooking more, maintaining healthy relationships, getting my car shit in order — I at least have the emotional and physical energy to take a look at those problems underneath. Like Lisa said, now they’re out in the open and I’ve got to deal with them. Maybe if I can avoid being constantly distracted by crisis, I’ll be able to take a moment and take a look inward.
