I've never been in a relationship—no, my online relationship doesn't count, so leave me alone. I've always kept this mindset that no one would be interested in me because the people I'm interested in are out of my league. Most of these 'out-of-my-league' people are actually friends of mine.

I deserve the slander. It's not healthy. I know.

You see, I've opened up to them about personal things that I'd probably never tell anyone else. Just their company and our chemistry make me believe that there could be something more.

This has always been the case since high school, but three years of college has made it worse. Since then, I've come to this conclusion: I'm the guy that falls for his own friends.

I've harbored feelings for one friend after another, and instead of admitting it, I kept it inside for days, months, and years.

I ponder, "Okay, obviously they're not feeling me, so why should I keep playing myself?"

"Why does one-third of my day involve daydreaming about this person, knowing it's not real?"

I came across this realization a couple of days ago. For a while, I've developed a close friendship with someone who made it clear (yet indirect) that they wouldn't be interested in me or anyone that's like me. So, I tried to respect that by keeping my mouth shut.

I would rather sink in my own emotions instead of telling them I'd like them.

I fear rejection. I fear losing them as a friend.

I remember telling one person my freshman year that I had a crush on them and immediately got rejected.

Are we still friends? Sure, but we aren't as close as we used to be after that. To this day, I feel that that moment, besides time conflicts, is what made us currently distant.

I won't say that I never received affection from anyone because I have—but not from the people I'd want.

There are three overarching issues I'm facing here: letting out, taking in, and letting go.

I can't let out my emotions or express my feelings the way I'd want to, I can't take in the consequences from expressing my emotions, and it's hard to let go of what is obviously impossible.

In a perfect world, I'd want to make a friend that will mutually like me the same way I like them. As a person with Asperger's syndrome, I have mediocre social cues. Sometimes, a pat on the back or five minutes of attention will make me believe something is bound to happen.

Sometimes I try to believe that some things are better left unsaid, and that hasn't been the healthiest thing either. In retrospect, I get often frustrated with these feelings, to the point of avoiding that person for days until I'm comfortable enough to speak.

But if you think about it, that's toxic, and it's dangerous to my own character.

So, honestly, I know there's a lot about me that needs to change; truth be told, I just don't know how to start.

If you're a friend of mine, this is not a 'guess who' game. I'm pretty sure once you read this, you'll be blowing up my text messages trying to get an answer out of me. Instead, this is a self-reflection— it's a way to learn from a habit that I should control.

Maybe they'll know, maybe they won't. Until then, I'll always be the loverboy in my friend group.