Breathing, biting, and smiling are all things most people do without a thought. I spent the first 19 years of my life unable to do just that.

Imagine only being able to breath through your mouth. Imagine your mouth unable to shut. Imagine never being able to bite into a sandwich, an apple or corn on the cob.

I suffered from an open bite. My top jaw did not grow in alignment with my bottom jaw. My top jaw also stuck out so prominently it looked deformed. It made it impossible to do pretty much anything a person with a normal jaw could. I used to pack my lunch at school and try to eat my sandwich as discreetly as possible because I didn’t want anyone watching me tear it into bite size pieces. Apple-picking with my friends was never as fun because they would walk around and bite into all the different apples. I could not.

My smile was so abnormal that it caused major self-esteem issues for me. It was so bad, I became preconditioned to cover my mouth with my hand when I smiled or laughed. Avoiding mirrors became second nature.

Middle school and high school are hard enough for any girl. I was already rounder than most and having this huge “flaw” right on my face caused me to be ostracized at times. Even as a freshmen in college, my roommates would mock my smile on social media. My friends were skinny and pretty and were always dating different guys. I never experienced the typical boy-girl drama that my friends did. Dances were always dateless.

In second grade, I got my first start with orthodontics. It started with a retainer. Then two braces on my two front teeth. Eventually my entire mouth was metal. It stayed this way for 12 years.

At the end of my freshmen year, I underwent orthognathic surgery. I want to stress that the main reason for this surgery was to correct the physical difficulties I was suffering, such as trouble breathing, biting and debilitating headaches. The emotional and psychological struggles I was trying to correct was just another benefit.

After five hours under the knife, I woke up attached to a morphine pump. While most of my memories remain very faint, I remember my mouth being bound shut with rubber bands. I remember my sinuses being so swollen that I felt like I was suffocating because I could not get any air in. I also remember passing out from dehydration because the only nutrients I was receiving was gatorade through a syringe. My face looked as if I was blown up with helium, it was that swollen.

Once my jaw was unbound I was able to advance to a soft-food-only diet for the next few months. I went from a size 12 to a size 6 in a matter of weeks.

It took a few months for the swelling to go down, and about a year until my face completely returned to normal. It was the start of my sophomore year though, when I started noticing how changing my physical appearance changed my life.

I was finally thin enough to wear all the clothes I had envied my size 0 sister for wearing. I was finally able to smile without wanting to hide. I was finally confident and secure in my outward appearance.

Now, I do not really know for sure if it was my physical appearance or my increase in self-esteem that changed the way people treated me, but most of me believes it was the physical.

Boys were finally taking notice of me. Boys that had gone to school with me for years, now wanted to take me out. Even strangers treated me differently. People had become just overall nicer and took the time to just smile at me in passing. I hadn’t changed much as a person. I was still the same girl with the same heart. I just had a better smile. But it seemed like my worth as a person had increased just because I didn’t look different anymore. I looked normal.

While this surgery was the best thing that ever happened to me, it was also the biggest eye-opener for me as well. I remember biting into my first apple and crying, realizing how many people probably take that ability for granted. I remember looking into the mirror when I finally had my braces removed and crying. I remember smiling like crazy at everyone I met because I felt confident with my smile now. This surgery made me a more self-secure person.

However, this surgery taught me how confused society is. The focus and importance that we place on outward beauty makes me so very sad. There are so many beautiful hearts and souls in this world, and just because their outward appearance does not match up to this ideal image of beauty, we shut them down. We make them feel like they are not valued as much as a person.

If I could go back and talk to my high school self, I would tell that girl that her value is not determined by the physical shape of her jaw, or any other outward “flaw”. I would tell her that her worth as a human being never changed after this procedure. Even though people suddenly treated her differently, she was never less of a person before.

I am proud of who I was before this surgery and I am proud of who I am after.