“I’m stuck between trying to live my life, and trying to run from it.” -The Perks of Being A Wallflower
It’s a constant battle…
Having an issue with mental health is debilitating. People see a healthy person on the outside, but on the inside, you feel like you’re dying. Going from doctor to therapist, to psychiatrists, even the hospital, all of which tell me that what I’m going through is not normal. It seems like I’ve been on every medication known to man. From Xanax to Zoloft, Clonazepam, Lexapro, Ativan, Valium, Trazodone, Gabapentin… All of which I’ve been taking to try to fix the way that I’m feeling. My medication has been a journey in itself. Some medications will work for a few weeks, maybe even a few months and then suddenly, it’s a downward spiral. It’s exhausting getting your hopes up, that finally you found something that works and then… You wake up back in the same state you were in a few months ago before you started this new medication.
People say, "You just need to learn to live with it…" I've been given wonderful "advice" from a lot of people:
- Everyone goes through it.
- It’s part of growing up.
- You just need to get out of your head.
- Focus on all the good things.
- So and so went through the same thing… you’ll be fine.
- Avoid the situations that make it worse.
- Don’t let your mind control you.
Those are only a few of the things that I’ve been told while going through this. Sometimes I just look at them in complete dismay, other times I have no energy to even react. Being told I need to stop blaming what went wrong with me in my past is one of the biggest insults I’ve ever received. I am where I am today because of my past. I am who I am because of my past. I believe and support different things because of my past. Everyone has a past. Everyone has made mistakes, everyone has been through one or multiple events that have changed them. Some for the better some for the worse. No matter what it was, it has influenced you in some way to be the person that you are today. For those of you who have those type of things to say to a person with any mental health issue, such as, Major Depression Disorder, PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, Schizophrenia, Panic Disorders, Personality Disorders… Be careful with your words, choose them wisely. Check yourself twice before you speak your mind. Your words will stick with them for longer than you think. Regardless of if you really think you know what you’re talking about, really think about your words.
The saying, “I feel like I have an elephant on my chest," is a very true statement. Waking up in the morning feeling like it is impossible to move, it is impossible for me to get through the day, is discouraging in itself. Then, add in the thoughts that you have in your head and that feeling will not go away. You will walk around with that dark cloud over your head all day.
It’s a constant battle with the world, and yourself.
My message to anyone who is struggling:
Step by step, day by day, it takes time, nothing is going to change overnight. Seek help, go to your doctor, go to a therapist, it will help! It’s a journey, a long, tough journey, but we all will get through it, you just have to be willing to try. Always remember you’re not alone, there is someone out there who will understand, there is someone out there who loves you and cares about your well-being. Never give up. This journey will make us stronger and more knowledgeable in the end.
