In my Introduction to Philosophy course, we read a book titled The Consolations of Philosophy by Alain de Botton. To say it's an interesting book would be an understatement. A recent chapter we read was Consolations for a Broken Heart. This assigned reading could not have been more perfectly timed. A recent boyfriend of mine had broken up with me in October, which I know was a while back but my ex and I had kept in contact for a bit longer after that and it wasn't until recently that I realized that it wasn't the healthiest thing for me to be doing. By talking to my ex and allowing those feelings to keep arising, I wasn't making myself better and in a sense, we really didn't break up. So I ended it "officially." Despite the fact that we were no longer dating and not an "official" couple, it was still difficult for me to adjust to the single life, whatever that entails. So this chapter of my philosophy book was more than helpful to me. Just to save time in an elaborate summary of this chapter, I'm opting to just give you the short list of consolations de Botton offers for a broken heart: remember just because that person didn't want you doesn't mean you're any less loveable, it may be hard to do now but eventually we can forgive the other person, and our pain from a breakup is normal. What I would like to do is add a little to this list.
1. Learn to be single again.
I was known as being the relationship girl because I always dated someone for a really long time and then when we broke up I was in another relationship a few short months after that. I didn't date a lot of guys, to be honest I think I dated maybe three guys but they were all long term. So I've never known what it was like to be single, but I'm learning how to do that. I'm learning to be my own person and not depend on someone else for my happiness.
2. Speaking of happiness, be your own happiness.
For years now I've struggled with anxiety and now more recently after seeing a therapist, I was told that I was showing signs of depression. That's something really hard to deal with and that little piece of information can really make a person feel even more depressed, but learning to be my own happiness is a step in the right direction. I've lost touch with the things that really did make me happy and gave me this inner peace, but I want to find those things again.
3. Find a support system.
It seems like everyone is in a relationship in college and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, but when you've become recently single, finding other friends who are too and want to do little adventures with you is kind of hard. Find even just one friend who is as single as you are and go out and have fun. You don't have to party to do that, just have a mini adventure and trust me, you'll feel a thousand times better about the break-up, no matter when it happened.
4. Give yourself the weekend.
If the break up was recent or even months ago, give yourself the weekend to lay in bed all day and cry and eat an enormous amount of junk food. Watch sad, sappy romantic movies and cry in the shower while listening to break up songs. Give yourself that one weekend then when Monday comes around put on your sassy pants and conquer the week. Even better, conquer the semester. You won't believe how incredible you will feel after that weekend. You'll still be upset about the break-up but when you give yourself that time to be sad about it and then put on your brave face to conquer, you feel this sense of accomplishment.
5. This is sort of reiterating what de Botton said, but love yourself.
When someone breaks up with you, it can feel like you did something wrong and like you're not loveable, but that is far from the truth. You are a loveable person and the only person who you should really be worried if they love you or not is you. You should wake up in the morning and be able to smile at your reflection in the mirror and tell yourself that you are loved in every way, shape, or form. It's not easy learning to love yourself as you are but just start with baby steps and you'll get there. Once you learn to love who you are, then people will be drawn to the light that shines out of you.
Breaks up are not easy and they won't get any easier, but just remembering these things will make it a little easier. Just give yourself time.
